i think i'm too involved. i'm too out there. i can't keep putting myself out there. i feel like taylor is overlapping natalie. in fact, it's more than a feeling, it's fact. even moreso now that nat is coming back into my life. taylor is certainly not sloppy seconds but the fact of the matter is that she is the second girl i've gone through this routine with and to be honest, i don't know if i'm strong enough to go through it again.

what people don't seem to understand is that i don't follow the conventional concept of time; i just don't understand it. in my mind, everything moves so much slower. every look, every exchange; it's all happening in slow motion for me and i feel it all, all of the time. i described this in a piece of writing i once wrote which i've only ever shared with one person, but basically it involves me comparing myself to an open wound. half of the text is spent glorifying the nature of newly damaged skin and the other half denounces the idea of a healed scar, which has become closed off and unfeeling. i remember thinking how much i loved what i wrote because it wasn't written as a response to something or someone. it was really nothing more than an elaboration on a simple musing. turned out to be rather fantastic.
i didn't praise an open wound because i wanted to illustrate feelings of brokenness or of hurting or suffering, but rather to express the beauty of sensitivity, and how that is what i am. sensitive. sensitive and vulnerable, and i savour it all, whether salty or sweet. everything i experience --be it a tangible situation or event, or even something as fleeting and abstract as an emotion--, it's all amplified and emphasized. everything matters to me. i put meaning into it all. which is all to say, this might be a contributing factor to my warped views on the passing of time.

it makes me terribly high-maintenance in a very uncharacteristic way. i think hard on things and i am often quite fickle, capricious. it scares me. and this would make the difficulties one might have with me very hard to place because one would never be sure what exactly it is they want to blame me for. the fact of the matter is, i don't show any obvious, outward signs of dysfunction. not the common sort of signs that would make someone automatically run in the opposite direction and never look back, as they most probably should. it's unfair. i'm afraid to put anyone through it. so, so afraid. i often feel like a hypochondriac restricted to only the mental illnesses and how they can become contagious. i'm afraid to destroy or corrupt, and i know that i'm very capable of it. i'm capable of it through manipulation of emotion and thought, though not done intentionally, i do recognize when it occurs... even when the affected does not.

anyway, i know i'm sounding extreme but that's how i do. you usually have to find the underlying message in the wordy mess. and by 'you', i mean myself, odd as that may be.
i suppose rants like these, in all of their apparent confusion, ultimately bring clarity.