But faith, it is a knowing thing, relinquish all control of things and submit yourself to loving in the highest light

I think I've become too cocky. I think it's complicated everything. It's a weird sort of cocky which lies beneath the surface and doesn't come out in my actions but rather in my general mindset. I say that I'm too modest or self-loathing to allow certain things to seem as if they were done as a reaction to me, but I don't think this is so anymore… and I think that's okay to an extent, I mean I don't want to be self-loathing… but I also don't want to be this weird, warped sort of self-confident. I want to be innocent and honest and vulnerable again. I lost that with Natalie, and while I was with Taylor, it only grew worse because I began to feel outrageously more superior to her. Then, with Kelsey, it just completely fucked itself over. She was the person I used to tell everything to-- well, not everything, but I could. I could tell her anything in the world without holding back, no feelings of insecurity or embarrassment about what I could let slip out, no fear of being judged… and, I don't know, I mean I'd even once asked her how she liked vaginas to be groomed! And, okay, that sounds random, and it would be totally "mundane" if I'd asked it as if I were mildly curious and detached from the question itself, but I was able to ask her this without hiding the fact that I was curious for myself, knowing that, if anything, she'd find it cute or amusing or, well, perfectly acceptable really.
Now, if I were to ask her something of the sort, I'd feel like she was judging me or laughing at me. There's a difference between amusement and pointed hilarity and, lately, I feel like everything I do is met with the latter.
FUCK.
I just want to be ignorant and unaware. Not because I want to be kept from seeing the truth of things, but because what I do see when I examine things too carefully is something which is NOT the truth… I see a warped version of it, mingled with sad thoughts, awful assumptions... just, it's just bad. I could live without it.
I want to be a fool. I want to get tricked, I want to be happy and interested in everything, I am sick of blocking myself off from new ideas, new people, new emotions, just because I'm scared it'll all turn out badly. I've just become a real cynic and I want to change.