sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:14 AM)

and for her, she's just so hilariously enamoured by me... that it's just... haha i dont know, but she takes me so seriously

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:20 AM)

it's deeply flattering

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:34 AM)

like she'll say things like "i've never met anyone like you before... "

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:40 AM)

and she'll elaborate in some weird way

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:59 AM)

and obviously, me being me, i won't understand the fascination

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:08 AM)

which perhaps might be how you feel about ME

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:12 AM)

...hahaha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:47 AM)

but you and i are very different, PLUS you're not quite as modest as i am so its very likely you think of my attitude towards you differently than i would with taylor

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:53 AM)

not that theyre entirely the same but theyre comparable

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:57 AM)

(am i making sense?)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:13 AM)

lol oh please, no insecurities haha:p and YES i follow, dont worry:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:20 AM)

and now way man im totally modest

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:24 AM)

you're just insecure:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:29 AM)

needlessly so, if i may add

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:43 AM)

that's... nice of you.. haha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:47 AM)

i know though, you're right

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:59 AM)

lol but you dont believe it? ah okay, you see thats what i like to hear lol

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:49 AM)

well i mean i UNDERSTAND i might be a little insecure...

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:55 AM)

i just think it can't be helped:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:49:22 AM)

oh you lol :)

she's so young. she's so innocent. i don't know what to do.
she's a child, really, and i think this is what i struggle with most. this frustration with lack of people in my life who are actually on my level. i want that so badly. kelsey's up there, if not higher.

i only say this, not because i think i may corrupt her( though this is already happening i imagine), but because i'll tire of her. get bored. feel frustrated.

the most impressive thing about her though is how she comprehends the incomprehensibility of me. it's appreciated. it's a start. even though it's all just too unfathomable for her to REALLY grasp.... more-so than she'll ever know.

Taylor; says: (2:07:17 AM)

im gonna go to bed soon

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:24 AM)

oh no

Taylor; says: (2:07:29 AM)

oh yes

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:41 AM)

:(

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:54 AM)

well mayyybe it's for the best

Taylor; says: (2:08:00 AM)

yess it is

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:06 AM)

i mean, i'm probably not going to bed once you go

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:21 AM)

but i'm close to saying things i probably shouldnt say so

Taylor; says: (2:08:24 AM)

i know

Taylor; says: (2:08:31 AM)

to who?

Taylor; says: (2:08:40 AM)

natalies not online.....

Taylor; says: (2:08:43 AM)

just kidding

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:51 AM)

har har

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:54 AM)

no, to you

Taylor; says: (2:09:03 AM)

oh

Taylor; says: (2:09:38 AM)

i hate when you do this

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:09:44 AM)

what am i doing?

Taylor; says: (2:09:53 AM)

you know what you're doing

Taylor; says: (2:09:55 AM)

you have to

Taylor; says: (2:10:28 AM)

when you say something like that just as say i should go

Taylor; says: (2:10:38 AM)

or you don't elaborate

Taylor; says: (2:10:42 AM)

its frustrating

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:10:50 AM)

:)

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:10:59 AM)

it's just as frustrating for me, i promise you

Taylor; says: (2:11:09 AM)

at least you know what you're thinking

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:11:50 AM)

haha, this is true

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:04 AM)

but i don't think you'd like to know what i'm thinking

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:08 AM)

or, well, no, you might

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:09 AM)

but

Taylor; says: (2:12:22 AM)

i wouldn't know, would i?

Taylor; says: (2:12:39 AM)

the only comfort i have is knowing that you dont know what im thinking either

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:13:07 AM)

:) haha, you don't give yourself enough credit sometimes

i always feel shitty and vulnerable after i have one of those emotional outbursts


definitely an unfair imbalance
i ignore it

...although there are other reasons which justify my strong dislike for you.

seriously, every time i finish talking with kelsey, i realize how much of a sad waste of energy, emotion, and time natalie is. she's so fucking immature and unaware. nothing she says means anything.

our whole relationship, post-lapsarian, can be summed up in sad songs and tumblr pictures. is that pathetic or is that pathetic?
i'm sick of the cliches. i love gaining new perspective from kelsey. she's so off doing her own thing that talking to her is like a breath of fresh air.


also, why do i feel the need to make natalie aware of the fact that i'm writing or that i'm sad or that i'm thinking about her? she doesn't deserve that.
i know i had feelings for her, and i know she was my First, for many experiences, but that's all that is. that's it.
i have to stop giving a shit. she's not worth what i'm going through. she doesn't deserve the ability to inflict such pain upon a person. not in the slightest.

k: i basically got home at like 4 and like wrote until i crashed at like 7
s: aw!
k: .. just in time to get up for work at 930 hahah
k: i know lol
k: it was nice self-reflection time:)
s: oh well THAT'S always good
s: well, KIND OF
s: sometimes i'm seriously so immersed in self-reflection that i start getting overwhelmed with wonder at how fucking cool my mind is
s: i relish those moments haha
k: yes! do you really though? because i can like totally relate to that lol
k: which sort of makes me feel conceited in a way to be honest
s: me too
s: but it's all good
s: those are the most prime moments
s: when you feel like
s: you don't need anyone else because you're enough for yourself
s: like
k: because a part of me wonders if everyone can have such a like.. immersed feeling in themselves you know?
k: yes go on:) lol
s: i get to the point where im like
s: you know what? i could totally be okay living in an isolation room... i'd never get bored
s: but then i think... yeah... i'd kill myself
s: because i get more into my thoughts when i'm on the move
s: like i've found lately that i really get my head working when i'm travelling places.
s: like walking down the street or sitting on a train... best reflection times for me
s: i mean, to be honest, for the most part i don't like what goes on in my head
s: but then there are those moments. like the ones where im.. yknow.. like, surprised. and amazed. as mentioned above.
s: i guess for you it's more frequent though. i feel like it is.
k: i get what you mean about the whole thinking more when you're using your brain for other things. i feel like the less focused your thoughts are in a sense, the more you're able to let them get to those places that result in those feelings you know?
s: yes!
k: which explains my complete inability to do anything practical like say i dont know, light a cigarette the first try hahah
k: but yes, i guess i do experience those moments more often
k: but only for that reason
s: ha
s: ha
k: that im always a lot more lost in unfocused thought than most lol

---

k: but why dont you like what goes on in your head most of the time?
s: i don't know... i guess for what you said much earlier
s: the unpredictable moods
s: as much as i'm all flow-y and water-y and all that (pisces, you know how it is), i do strive to find some sense of order in things
s: and it's frustrating when i can't
k: hahaha yay astrology
k: and i get it because im sort of the same in a sense
k: our problem is the capricorn
k: it craves that self-created slash imposed order and structure too much
s: self-created order.. that's rather accurate isn't it..
k: which can sometimes be used to our advantage though, just saying
k: mhm:)
s: HMMMM
k: astrology yo, we'll get you into it lol
s: oh no
s: you sound like a cult
k: oh but yes lol
k: hahahahahha
k: one day *far off look in eye
s: and i don't even know if you're using "we" as in there actually IS a cult or if you're just referring to yourself, shae-style
s: ...:)...
k: hahahaha
k: no man you and i. the two-- oh wait. oh yes. i dont know lol. that just kind of slipped in there haha
k: amused
s: HAQ
s: ,..
s: no q
k: but anyhow yeah, shae on e yo. (aww but i like the q lol)
k: verrrry amusing haha
k: she basically spent the entire night like stroking phil's nose
s: i'm having a very hard time brushing my teeth right now i hope you know
k: lol!
k: dude
k: you and your bathroom
k: ahahah

----

s: you know what i just realized about us?
s: and im going to share because i like giving you livefeed sarah thoughts
k: yay:)
s: which is rare for people. live feed anyway. so dont take it for granted haha
k: and dude, never. priveleged yo haha
s: i think why we get on so well, in terms of our half real life/half online friendship
s: is because i acknowledge that we're different on the page and in the flesh... meanwhile, in the past, i've had all these insecurities about seeming different to people from one medium of communication to the next
s: but with you, it's like i'm at peace with the difference in behaviours, depending on how we're communicating
s: because i like the dynamics in both cases
s: (that's the condensed version i guess... *sigh)
k: yeah i like that (hahaha aw im amused but no that really sucks lol) though, i like how its two different dynamics. allows for multiple strands to the friendship in a sense.. which im too exhausted to explain properly but the sentiment is there lol
k: *my cop out lol
k: but yeah, im probably going to have to leave you soon and crash *pillow still so inviting lol
s: no its ok, i just wanted to get out MY current thoughts. you dont necessarily have to have some super awesome comeback statement of agreement. just agree:) hahah
k: yay i like it when you go all stream of consciousness too lol i hate it when people hold back *irritation lol

"What did she tell you?" she says, peering into my room from the threshold of the doorway.

I turn to face her from the wooden kitchen chair that's displaced itself in my room. I've been meaning to relocate it for days now.

"She said chaos was good. It makes life exciting. She says my world has been turned upside with endless realizations that have overwhelmed me over the last 4 months and I have to learn to deal with it. She says I might need to do some self-exploring. I told her that's all I've been doing lately..."

"Hmm. Did she say your chaos was okay? Like, your level of it? I mean, are you okay?"

Concerned.

"I'm fine, mom. I'm not in need of psychiatric help or anything. I just need space. I guess I'm sort of indulging in the chaos..."

I look off, brow creased, unsure.

"Ah. But you do need something to ground you every now and then. "

To this, I have a response. Relieved,

"I have that. I have two people, on two separate ends of the spectrum who I've found myself leaning on entirely. I think I'd fall apart if it weren't for their constant company and the ways in which they assuage my agony. I'm a mess, I realize that. I've got my footing though; rooted in these two people in my life... and I'll be fine eventually. Seriously. I'm in a good place and in a bad place all at once."

A hopeless sigh and pleading eyes,

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Sar."

"It's fine, it's fine. We're okay. I just need to do this on my own for a while."

"This? You mean life?"

Matter-of-factly,

"Yeah."

"You've always been very independent. I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I'm sorry," I say, rather detached.

"Are these people part of the chaos, or are they your escape from it?"

"I guess I'd have to say.... both," and then I quickly add, "They're mainly my escape though. Definitely."

"Oh."

She's confused, but desperate to understand.

"I know, it's crazy but whatever. I'm sorry." I say

"But then what's caused this? I mean, who has made you like this?"

I'm taken off guard.

"What makes you think it's one person? It's a combination of things that have happened. Inside my head and around me. Sure there was a catalyst. Of course there was. It was a domino effect. But I understand that, right? I mean, understanding is good. It's not like I'm completely oblivious as to how I'm feeling or what has happened to me. Not entirely anyway. I'm experiencing a metamorphosis perhaps..."

I follow that up with a thoughtful chuckle.

"A metamorphosis?"

"Mhm, like Kafka's Gregor Samsa. Or Adam in The Shape of Things, or Dorian in The Picture of Dorian Gray."

"Haha, Sarah..."

She looks at me, amused but imploring.

"I know, I know. The references. Sorry. I've just found myself comparing everything to my classes," I say, and then add, "And I also know; I'm in college. Everyone changes in college, I get it. Don't laugh. Obviously I'm not the only one going through things. This is me though. I'm concerned with myself -- this is my transformation."

"I know," she grins, " and I want you to grow and explore and everything..."

"Right. Well, yeah. So that's my justification for you. I'm going to try and accept everything as it comes ...or as it goes..."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

Uncomfortable silence.

"Okay. Well, you know I'm here if you need me"

"Yeah... thank you."

"Now come empty the dishwasher."

"Alright."

Exit.

okay, i think it's reasonable that i've just had a mental breakdown after holding back on every possible emotion for so long

okay

we're okay

it's just that i've been focusing on being happy so much that i forgot how oddly appealing it was to be angry and bitter and sad and passionate

i know you can be passionately happy, but i'm just not

not today, not lately

[to be finished recounting at a later date - too lazy]

wow. katie's party was a ride.

we sat around the glass square table, all of us in our scanty lingerie
little paper ketchup holders brimming with dark, red, vodka jello shots, cups of mixed drinks, and a giant bong occupied the central space
the pipe was passed around the table, the base of the hookah slowly rotating with each hand-off
music played in the background as


"I want to be inside your head..."
"But you are..."
"You know what I mean."


"Stop giving me those looks!"
"You started it"
"Ah, so I take the blame?"
"Yes, you do."
"Alright, I take credit for the looks then. I can deal with that."
"Credit? Only a few seconds ago you were taking the blame!"
"Yeah but..."
"Yes. Well, either way, you're right. It's credit."
"It's credit."

a midnight phonecall

pallay is perceptive as always.
he just said that since she was my first ever reciprocated crush (and that's one out of two instances), this was why i put so much emphasis and meaning upon it. the first "real" kiss, the first surprise in finding out that someone could possibly be interested in me, the first realization that i had the power to hurt, and then by extension, the vulnerability to be hurt back, but worse...

ah welz
(im too tired to carry this thought any further, but i just needed to document the feeling. ha. you know.

anyways, goodnight. )

lackluster

you know why i think i have this necessity to write all the time?
i think it's because i need to feel like events in my life actually happened,
and that emotions i've experienced were actually, at some point or another, in fact, experienced.
it's a mental problem i have. i think it's the fact that i'm a nostalgist, and that my memory is bad. so, thus, i need to record what i feel, and what i've experienced, so that i may look back upon it and experience things once again.

feelings are so ephemeral that sometimes it's questionable as to whether or not they were actually ever there. and they were. and they are. and they're changing, all the time,
but
their fleetingness does not dismiss their existence.
and it is this which i must remind myself of.


so here goes:
i'm scared.
of what, i do not know...
i'm scared she hates me / is bitter towards me / is disgusted or turned off by me
but more than all of that, i'm scared she's indifferent and that she's completely moved on.
it's athazagoraphobia, i guess...
hmm
how tragic this all is.


at least i have taylor, who i think is incredible.

"you keep giving me these looks!"
"haha, yes, i know. i know i do. and sometimes they mean something and sometimes they don't, so you're just going to have to deal! :)"
"haha, alright! well, you'll keep me guessing then, i suppose."

she was very touchy with me tonight. i suppose so was i. in an intimate way. not necessarily sexual, not necessarily friendly. on the straits, really.

man, i like this. a lot.

i wonder how tomorrow night will be. or, well it's after midnight now, so how tonight will be. fuck. fuck
fuck.
fuck.
i'm worried.

oh well. in the words of kelsey, i will just roll with it.

the end. and i will keep writing, i promise.

fact of the matter is, i fucking hate andy warhol. i think he was a pretentious, fake little fuck. i hate his philosophies, i hate his face, i hate his art, but i specifically hate how you like him so much. he was nauseatingly cliche, and you are most certainly not, though you pathetically strive to be.

i don't know.

blessure

you don't understand how fortunate i feel to exist. i'm alive. i feel like an open wound. i feel sensitive to everything. i'm always hurting. i bleed with reckless abandon.
and my god, how i hope i never heal and turn into a scar. i never want to be encased in tough skin that doesn't feel. i want the vulnerability. i want the raw emotions. i want. if i were a cold, unfeeling, numb scar, would i ever want? would i ever desire? would i ever feel passion?

i'm an open wound, not a scar. i'm tattered, busted flesh, flapping in the wind. i'm the soft, new skin below the surface, suffocating from the exposure to uncomfortable amounts of fresh air.

lick me up, kiss me, rub the pad of your thumb along me. i want you so close that i can feel the subtle up-down-up-down of your fingers as the texture of their identifiable patterns find solace in the nooks and crannies of my own stinging, throbbing physicalness.
("physicalness"? who knows. will fix eventually.)

hiatus

whoa.

i just called christina and spoke to her from vendome to beaconsfield, and then for an additional hour out in my driveway. my hands are numb, my nose is running, my eyes are cried dry.

i feel so bad for making her listen to me for over an hour, but it was such a good release. i guess we came to some conclusions. like how there's really nothing left to say about natalie. it's tragic, but that's just it. there's nothing left to say.
we talked about my seeing a guidance counselor, how i don't speak to my mom, how fucked up i am, how my obsessive thoughts about natalie, or even just the concept of natalie in my life, have consumed me and ripped me up into shreds.
we just - or i just - talked a lot.

sarah says: (10:48:43 PM)
i really think i scared christina though...
sarah says: (10:48:46 PM)
i scared myself
sarah says: (10:48:50 PM)
which is why i started to cry
sarah says: (10:49:10 PM)
i vocalized thoughts i didn't even know i was having




but really, i'm just lucky. that's what it comes down to. i will be selfish; self-loathing and self-pitying; but i will always come up for air every now and again and realize how grateful i really am for everything in my life. everything. the bad, sometimes, but most certainly the good.
definitely the good.
fuck yes to the good.

damn, i'm just so fucking lucky i could cry!



god, things are just so messed up with me. i wish i could tell you about my day but i'm just too all-over-the-place. i don't know. i'm just tired. my memory's gone to shit. my heart and my brain are on the fritz. yes, "on the fritz". i'm just everywhere and nowhere all at once.



but here's one tangible thing i can offer you tonight:
taylor.
fucking... just- taylor. i can't even properly express how i feel. she's amazing. she makes me feel so good. fuck.



sarah says: (10:53:11 PM)
i could get all cute and honest on you right now if you'd like
sarah says: (10:53:15 PM)
make your night
sarah says: (10:53:19 PM)
and make a fool out of myself
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:32 PM)
sarah, the other day when we left each other at the corner is proof that i make a fool out of myself all the time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:38 PM)
"point being...i like to talk"
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:42 PM)
god......
sarah says: (10:54:53 PM)
no, i loved that
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:01 PM)
yeah, im sure you did
sarah says: (10:55:03 PM)
:)
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:04 PM)
:P
sarah says: (10:55:23 PM)
i don't know, taylor. i just love you. it's so good to be around you.
sarah says: (10:55:50 PM)
your awkwardness makes me happy. and don't get self-conscious about that, and don't change. i just mean that the way you are... it just makes me happy. i always leave you feeling better.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:27 PM)
i always leave you feeling better too
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:59 PM)
and at the same time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:15 PM)
i think you're a lot smarter than i am
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:35 PM)
for example
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:48 PM)
well, no
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:58 PM)
i just want to get inside your head, is really what im trying to say
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:20 PM)
i imagine it would be magical in there
sarah says: (10:58:31 PM)
haha, oh taylor
sarah says: (10:58:40 PM)
i guarantee you it's not magical
sarah says: (10:58:46 PM)
but i'm intrigued by that statement
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:58 PM)
see, i think you're intriguing
sarah says: (10:59:05 PM)
and i you

----

sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:30 PM)
no, but seriously taylor, did you not see me today?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:09:33 PM)
indeed
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:34 PM)
i think i looked how i felt
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:23 PM)
i think you looked gine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:25 PM)
*fine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:40 PM)
also, i try not to place to much importance on my friends appearance
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:50 PM)
mostly because i often appear not good
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:10:56 PM)
oh shut.up.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:30 PM)
what? too cheesy?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:56 PM)
i'm good at that, too
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:12:29 PM)
cheesy? no, i just happen to highly disagree with that statement. also, i did not look fine. i took a shower at 3:30 and my hair was still wet when i woke up. my bangs were a violation upon humankind. which is why they were pushed back. haphazardly.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:12 PM)
this is going to sound werid
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:14 PM)
*weird
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:23 PM)
but one of my favorite parts of your face is your cheeks
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:28 PM)
and those can never look bad

---

Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:02 PM)
you know what's funny?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:11 PM)
i feel like i know you really well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:25 PM)
i DO know you quite well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:15 PM)
but i don't know your favorite colour, or what your cat's name is, or your favorite book, or food.....
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:31 PM)
i dunno
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:34 PM)
strikes me



ok i've got no more to offer you that i can think of, blog.
maybe later on
i started my break from tumblr today.
woohoo. wish me luck.

there was a lot of sexual tension. at least on my part. oh my god, i just wanted to kiss her. but it was too awkward. i was aware of every single part of me; my hands, my legs, my chest, my eyes. i think i think too much. i almost didn't pay any attention to any of the words she spoke tonight. too concentrated on the physical.

we had a shot of vodka on the grass in the field. we bought cotton candy. we watched "up". our legs touched. we ran to pallay's house. you played pool really impressively. we started to walk back -- your parents were already there to pick you up. we were rushing.

"natalie--", i reached my arm out to grab the collar of her coat
she knew what i meant by that before any words left my lips
"but i, i have to go- my parents-- i " and then i held her, and she held me and we kissed
so many thoughts running through my head the entire time.
she pulled away, and said she had to go. things reverted back to talking about alejandro. ugh.
i let her have the cotton candy to take home.

she left.


i went back over to pallay's, had a beer, talked to pallay while he made me a bagel with peanut butter, got an amazing massage from drew,
i'm really too tired to keep writing

i think we were both just too tired

black & gold

god... i really don't know how she could dispense with all of her pride last night... it's disturbing. i tried to be the voice of reason yesterday afternoon, but i think she was too influenced by ariel (her "devil ego", as i like to call her). she's nice and all but a really terrible influence. ah. i still need to try and wrap my head around that. i could never do it, personally. i don't think i'm that desperate for sexual pleasure that i would completely disregard how badly i've been treated by a person. i have too much pride. i'd just fuck em and find someone better. and i don't mean that literally... or maybe i do. really, at the rate she's corrupting me with her twisted philosophies, who knows...
i got a text saying they dealt with emotions and left the fucking aside. i'm proud, in this case. angel ego wins.


ironic, in my case?

someday my pain will mark you, harness your blame and walk through

kelsey is

fucked.

up.

i guess i didn't realize until now.

but then again, everyone is in some way, right?

anyways, maybe it's just because i've been exhibiting such feelings of idolatry towards her ever since we met and i've thus allowed myself to see past the messy stuff... but regardless, i'm glad i'm having this revelation so early on.

the one rule i'm currently trying to abide by is "never idealize the beloved". she's not my beloved or anything, but the main point here is to not idealize.

it's something i do constantly with people who fascinate me. i put them on a pedestal so high that, in fact, it would be impossible for them to ever actually reach the thing let alone sit atop of it.

so, idealizations. they must cease.
..but then if i'm going to abide by the astrological doctrine for the next few months, as a trial run, then i'm going to have to accept that it's something i, a pisces, would do! hm!

via:

"Though not all Pisceans occupy their time with such lofty aspirations as attaining their rightful place in the universe, the notion of perfection is a strong factor in their personality. They find it difficult to deal with people and situations that do not live up to their idealized images. It isn't that they can't see things clearly, they just don't want to accept things as they really are."

am i okay with this? i don't know. i'm too strong-willed. i feel like i should abandon that part of me if i plan to avoid disappointment. i'm so sick of being disappointed in everyone. i really do have the best intentions when i expect great things from people, honestly. it just means i hold people in high esteem, right? and that's always nice, right?
yes. but then that's the root of the problem as well...

k: i mean i just dont see the problems that arise as a result of it
k: like sure every now and then the illusion wavers and you crash
k: but when you're high, you're higher than most you know?
me: disappointment is the problem. crushing disappointment.
k: and soaring hope
me: which always comes to an abrupt end when i'm exposed to reality, no?
me: yes.
k: yes
k: and then you eventually accept and go back
k: to another take on reality
me: it's an unbearable cycle though, you know?
k: maybe
k: i dont know
k: i prefer it
k: the extremes provide contrast
me: of course
k: lol you dont have to agree with me

whatever, i'll figure this out. let the chips fall where they may. all that.

and i only feel alright when the VU is flashing

truth be told, at this point, i'm just feeling really... lascivious. the whole emotion, lovey-dovey, dramatic, passionate shit? throw that in with the trash, please. she fucks with my head too much for me to even be able to afford to feel that way. plus i'm kind of annoyed lately. what, are we trying to be friends now? is this what this is?
i don't know.
i know i've got an emotional pull on her, but i am willing to let that sever for a little bit of physical intimacy.
ok, that's harsh-ish.
but it's true! i'd rather have something physical, no string attached. i think it could be fun.

p.s. i started watching the show called "the L word"

shaking from the pain that's in my head, just want to crawl into my bed

Wow, today was a ride.

I love exploring all the realms of emotion. It's nice to let it out and change up your mindset a little bit. I always get really deep into it when I'm in English class because I somehow tend to relate myself to the most fucked up character in the text. That's okay, it keeps things interesting. And frustrating.

But really, as far as English class goes, it couldn't have been better. I thought it would be shit because I was having a rough afternoon I guess, but Kelsey was there, and I've never welcomed the smell of cigarette smoke off someone's clothes so much.

I spoke about it with Nicole on the train later, and she thinks our relationship is weird. She thinks it will die because I look up to her too much and almost too willingly allow myself to be the inferior one. She thinks I spend too much time trying to analyze her. She doesn't understand. I analyze everyone. I just don't use Astrology to do it. I don't like guidelines. I think everyone is too special and unique to have a rubric to follow.

I asked Kelsey if I could borrow her notebook, because I wanted to read over our conversation again. She laughed and handed it over. We've got things about feelings mixed in with analytical points about Gregor Samsa. Ha. His name means 'I am alone' in Czech. It's very interesting. But anyways, I just opened the notebook now, and on the inside flap of the coverpage, it says:

L. Bellon:
definitely Earth
probably Capricorn or Virgo

I chuckled. I think I'm going to look through this notebook like a creeper tonight. After I read The Greeks and Modern Muslim Intellectuals, that is.

Life is unfortunate sometimes, but I guess this is what I deserve for neglecting work, sleep and food all week long. I'm a mess.

I called Pallay after school to ask if he'd be on the train. He said he'd finished school already, but offered to give me a lift home when I reached my station. It was very thoughtful of him and I took him up on it. I think he really wanted to talk.

Anyways, I know I won't get any sleep tonight. I want to, I really do, but they're all right about me. Sleep is my last priority. I value time too much to waste it being unconscious. I need to be alive and actively thinking at all times. I'm assuming it's part of the masochistic part of me, because, really, I despise my thoughts.

I'm so irrational that sometimes I think I shouldn't even be here.

I hope I did right by everyone today.

I'm still so sad about Natalie. I'm scared she's over it.

i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i'm reading "guts" by chuck palahniuk, i'm looking at pictures of you, i'm listening to sad music, i'm writing up an assignment for class, i'm smiling at the thought of us being together.

...but why? i'm mad at you. i'm disgusted, i'm hurt. but yet i smile.
maybe it's because i love you. i'm in love with you.
'love' is a trivial thing, i know, i know. but isn't life too short to spend it trying to define it?
i care about you beyond any imaginable doubt, i am always yearning to be in your presence, i have (strong) sexual feelings towards you, i understand your flaws and i don't judge you for them, i find you terribly interesting and fear not for a period where you may seem boring to me. you're always on my mind.
aren't these tell-tale signs? i don't really know for sure, but i think so.

i'm scared.
i just want you so much, but i think this is the end. i'm not so sure...
either way, we're going to cross paths.
i just don't want the feelings to fade. no. not yet.
i'm making out with you at the next party, regardless of who else you get with or whether you even want to kiss me back.
that's the extremity of my desire, my hatred for you. it's all so complicated.

i'm hungry for you. i want to rip you open and eat you up.

highly annoyed

i don't let go of things easily. not when they matter so much to me.

i was asleep all of english class, but if i've learned something over the last few weeks, it's that the ephemeral is beautiful and there are terrible dangers in idealizing a beloved.

the ephemeral must only appreciated after the fact or something, because right now, i only resent the brevity of our predicament. yes, that's right. i miss the dysfunction

i idealized you, and i idealize kelsey. none of this will end well. nothing ever does.

i wished for it, you know. i wished for it and i got it. 11:11 every night. i always caught the clock. konstantine. i asked for one moment with you, one that i'd remember as being really good. i told it that's all that i wanted. now what the fuck was i thinking? i should've begged for a shell, a coil of barbed wire, anything, with which to encase my heart. i should've asked for anything but a good moment with you.

i know it was fleeting. i know it was fucked up. there's no definition for what we were, for what we've ever been. but the problem is you're in my head now more than ever and it's a lot to do with lust, sure, but that's because i feel like i have unfinished business with you. isn't it only right that i'm hurting? isn't it only right that i care? i want to hold your hand. i want to feel my heart skip when you squeeze tight, when you stroke my fingers with yours. i want to kiss you on the mouth, on the neck, on the chest, . i want to fuck you. i want to rub my lips along your scars. i want your damaged body, i want every little piece of you. i want to be selfish, ceaselessly.


& i'm always going to blame myself, even when logic says you're the one at fault.
i feel like you don't care, which makes how i feel seem wrong. but fuck that, i'll feel what i want to feel.

i wanted to be henry. i wanted you to be the dorian to my henry.
i've come out as poor basil. it's tragic as fuck. absolutely fucking tragic.

silver lining:

i just realized i hooked up with two redheads on halloween night. how appropriate.

Feeling like I'm Peter Pan, minus the tights and the fairies.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this picture is a perfect summary of what we did together today. except, wow. no. not like that. what?! haha, whatever. the MAIN POINT is that iii know what i mean.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this afternoon was perfect. i missed him a lot.

we drove around and stopped at all our old favourite shops. bought a whole box of halloween chocolates and shared. spoke in innuendos at the cash about what we'd do in the car together since we'd have some time to kill (we received funny looks for that), and at his house, his mom yelled at me for leaving my glasses on the floor by the entrance. she said she was sorry for being harsh, but that i was like a daughter to her and she was going to treat me as such. felt so nice to hear that.

my clothes smell like him now, or like his house. home. it's keeping me relaxed. and sleeepy.

i'm glad we got to talk. he's so good for that,
and he's the only one i know will never judge me. i feel lucky.

I've been refreshing your page every five minutes for the past six hours. Someone save me from this.

I'm just waiting for this all to subside.

Maybe when the room is empty, maybe when the bottle's full, maybe when I'm done with thinking, maybe you can think me whole.

I just had a beyond lovely nap. Yeah, I know. Who would have thought? I hate naps.

It was a very weird one though, and I kept waking up because of the sounds of people talking and moving around in the house. I think my neighbours are in my kitchen right now, but I don't have the energy to check. I hear their voices though.

I dreamt when I napped. It was very choppy because I kept waking up.

There were three main players involved, all of which I spent some time with today. I got to kiss one before it was through. We were all in a coffee shop, picking up ... well, I don't even know! But I bought ice cream. Like a whole tub full.

Earlier, you'd hurt your foot playing soccer, and I'd let your heel rest in my hands, rubbing my thumbs softly along your ankles in attempts to make you feel better; to make me feel better. We kept glancing furtively at each other the entire night, just like today. You had to go though because on of your friends had a ringuette game to go to and it had been planned that you were to watch.

We were standing face to face, off to the side of the coffee shop line-up. Not a romantic scene at all, but it was oddly quiet. Quiet just for us. Just for that moment. So, in a way it was very romantic.

You said, "So, this is goodbye?" And we both leaned in for the kiss; instinctive, anticipated.
It was so warm and soft, and right.
I wanted to grab onto the fabric of your black pea coat and keep you there.
But our lips parted, and we smiled coyly at one another because we could see the bustle of the coffee shop uninterrupted all around us. No one had seen.
We walked to the door, and you adopted her stride, fantastic locks of hair whipping around as you turned to give me one last look.

It was so good. But please get the fuck out of my head.

'cause i'm still here breathing now

i'm about to fll asleep. if i misspress the keys, forgive me.
i saw her today. and everyone.
a lot of people/
shouldn't have tried to fit everyone in. i knew this would be a dsiappointment
it;s a good thing i got to see brandon. so innocent, so happy. it was good to be around that.

drew and i went for italian after school and we talked about girl problems (harhar). i'm so exaused i cant keep my eyes open. i jst know its been a while and im sorry.
i cannot belie ve all that i've been going through lately. none of it is fair. nothing is ever fair.

the food exchange was kind of cute, if you want to see it that way
xx
well i hope it was cute


bed until 10PM. night.

Warm me up and breathe me.

oh my god.
i don't even know where to begin. i'm so happy.
so happy and so nervous.
so unsure.
i'm so every-adjective-there-is-in-the-world.
i'm just all of it , and it's brilliant.


i will get back to you on this one later, blog. but for now, just be content with knowing that i'm content.

terribly behind on my schoolwork, yes; but also terribly content!
this is just so new, and it's new for her too.
it's just good to know i'm not alone in this and that i can feel comfortable about it all.
i want this to work.

i really only thought this was an idea to flirt with. maybe to play around with. at parties. drunk.
but no, this is civilized and real. this is frightening and beautiful. this is rebglrtbnfdvafd;lbb;sv,/



goodnight then,
x

This is to a girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did. Hey, you know, you keep me up in bed.

we hugged when you came off the train, and we rubbed shoulders all throughout the night. that's about it really.
yet somehow your scent still lingers on me. it's all around me in my room.
maybe i'm just imagining it. i don't know. but you smelled so good.
x

Exposed and you're my weakness - I'll take this day by day.

i don't know what to say or what to do.
i'm stuck at a crossroads.
she's so amazing. i'm so lost.


i hope i can eventually experience the platonic state of self-examination and learn who it is that i am.

i need this soon.

Everybody everybody just wanna fall in love

Today was not bad at all! I think I'm sort of comfortable with everything right now. I don't miss b* as much as I usually do after long periods of time. It's weird, but good, because I need to be a little less dependent on him. LOVE IT SO FAR.

I accidentally stood up i* tonight on msn. I feel so bad. I ditched him for someone... else's... company. Was that mean? Probably, but I'm selfish. I do feel a little regretful though. I love my ersatz boyfriend/bestfriend/confidant/crush/impossibility, and I should have been there. He isn't feeling well. He's not going to choir practice tomorrow. BLESS 'IM.

Okay, I'm a leeeeettle bit hyper.
I sent him a text saying I was sending a hug to his sickbed. He replied by telling me which bus it should take and at what time. I love him! And hate him. THIS IS SO BADDDDDD.


Goodnight my babies. I know I'm vague and mysterious. Isn't it endearing somehow? xxx


p.s. today colleen said she had inappropriate thoughts about our english teacher. I AM SO SCARRED.

I've got nothing to say, I'm in utter dismay.

So this weekend has been a little bit of a bore...
I feel like my weekends are either reaaaaally action-packed and crazy or else completely void of physical/mental activity.
I don't know. I suppose it's either one of the two extremes most of the time ...which kind of blows!
It's because when I decide to commit a day to homework, I literally commit the whole day. No breaks, no eating, no peeing... it's crazy. But then I never get very much work done! So I don't really see the point in my "faux-workaholic" attitude.

Anyway, I did get most of one of my assignments done. Unfortunately I've still got to finish it, plus I have 3 chapters to read for one class, a couple of Shakespearean sonnets for another, AND another assignment! Screwed royally. I mean, if I start all of this now I won't be, but who am I kidding?

I think I might call up Ms. Hackett to see if she's available to discuss my commission piece of her kids. I'm so excited for that :)

Okay, there's nothing much else to say today. I'm not feeling very deep.
Maybe I'll give one of those point-form things of my life later so y'allz know how I'm doing ...even though I pretty much tell you how I'm doing in essay paragraph format nearly every day.
:/
shutup.

i'm tired. good-bye.
xxx

ps: night time usually yields better posts out of me. it's the time of day when i'm most emotionally disheveled.

Calvary, Calvary, surely he died on Calvary.

Hello, hello!
I am terribly exhausted! I went to bed at 4am last night and got up at 10! ...So I suppose technically I reached my usual amount of sleep (6 hours?), but they were at different times so it threw me off!

I'm supposed to be reading some Plato right now. I have a quiz on his writings straight away tomorrow morning.
Actually it's more broad than that -- I have to have read "Euthyphro", "Apology" and some other texts by Antiphon and I suppose the teacher will be checking to see if we've read.
I have no problem reading Plato (he is absolutely engrossing), but I find Antiphon to be compleeeetely boring and confusing! Hopefully the teacher won't ask too many questions on him because I quite frankly refuse to read his stuff, haha!

Anyways, today has been a blur. I don't really want to talk about it because... well I don't know why! It's just kind of boring to talk about my day :P


Oh, but the greatest part of it was that this girl in my Sacred Writings class brought sheet music and we all sang a hymn about Jesus. It was hilarious!
Also I just heard from the other room that my sister has lost her tooth. Cool. I miss being able to lose baby teeth.

So yeah... anyway, I'm slightly uninspired this afternoon. And very exhausted, as mentioned earlier.

So I'm going to take my shower now and lie in bed with Plato (UNF).


GOODNIGHT MY CHILDREN

xxx

ps: my new website HAHA

Said I'll always be your friend, took an oath and I'll stick it out 'til the end.

via

Today I got very sick in Ancient Philosophy and had to excuse myself from class. Unfortunately I stupidly tried to wait it out for over an hour before actually deciding to ask to leave. I should have left immediately when I felt ill. I don't even learn anything in that class!

Anyway, so I called my mom in a nervous panic, thinking I was going to throw up any minute or something. She called our family friend, Lauren, who lives in NDG and she hurried over to pick me up in her car. I was dying on the ride to her house, oh my god.

When we got there, I went immediately to the bathroom and enjoyed some quality time with the toilet bowl. Then asked for a glass of water. Lauren was so absolutely amazing to me. She set up her grandson's bed for me and gave me his little stuffed animal doggy to sleep with. So nice. It was terribly cold in that room, but I just felt so at ease.

When I came downstairs, she made me scrambled eggs & toast. Watermelon for dessert.
I felt so much better after that.
I feel like I should write her a card or give her a call or draw her something in thanks. I was well taken care of. Pampered, even!

And her cats left me with fur on the shins of my jeans when it was time for me to go back to class...


Now I'd love to write more but it's terribly late (as per usual), and I still have to shower up and decide what to wear tomorrow!


xxx

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time

i hate feeling like i'm annoying. it's probably one of the worst feelings ever.
but i also happen to over-think things a lot too, so i could just be imagining this all in my head.

UGH.

This seriously feels like a.e all over again. I wrote something about this in my Moleskine this morning on the train when I was feeling shitty. Actually I wasn't really feeling shitty, I just honestly couldn't get this person off my mind... so as a result I sort of felt lonely and helpless. I hate that feeling so much.
& this is also exactly what happened with a.e when we first started talking two years ago. This exact series of emotional experiences! First nothing, then harmless curiosity, then amusement, then I begin to take interest, then I'm always thinking about them, then I feel like I'm putting them on a pedestal because I think about them more than I see them, then I'm constantly yearning for their attention and company, and then I collapse in a bout of confusion and stress-induced fatigue! ...
AHAHAHA, ohhhh lord. I hope this case doesn't escalate as badly though!
I really think I have some sort of complex.


Mostly though I'm just going through a very confusing part of my life.
Very. Confusing.

xxx

via

and i can't figure out quite how that works.

Just leave me your wake to remember you by.

via

This is not my picture - I didn't take it. But this is a statement which sums up my life and pretty much just rips me apart at the seams.

I don't know that there is much else to talk about tonight. I wrote my longest post for you already... was it only this morning? Oh man. Well, yes. So.


We'll do a point-form summary of how things are for me right now then (even though the above picture does a good job on its own):

• I miss my a.e to an unreasonable degree. I wish we could be talking every night again like we used to. I guess life just gets in the way of things like this. I hate distance. I hate the twisted proximity. I hate lies. I hate truth. I hate lust. I hate love.
• I wish I wasn't so helpless to those who gave but a glance in my direction.
• I wish I wasn't so confused about things.
• I need motivation of any sort in my life, because I know I can't succeed if I don't have anything helping me along. I need something.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I'm listening to Boats & Birds by Gregory & the Hawk on repeat. This song reminds me of Sunmi, because 2 years ago, when our friendship was at its peak, she loved the artist. She's gone to North Carolina now. Which isn't a big deal, because before she was living in New York, so it's not like the long distance bit is the hard part. It's just so different. She wasn't allowed to take any of her cats with her.
I miss her terribly. I miss so much right now. It SUCKS. Haha.



So I'll take my shower and begin homework now I think. It's already 11pm and I was supposed to not let this happen again. It's this new thing with MSN that just keeps me on it all night long. Well. Sort of.
I don't know.


Sometimes I think I'm too open on the internet. Too open in general, in fact. It will probably be the death of me.


xxx
night

I know you want me, you know I want'cha...

last night, when i got home. happy - not sad. notice?!

this morning, when i woke up. hungover - notice?! haha.

Honestly, I'm having a difficult time deciding whether last night was the best party ever, or the worst. Because for some reason I feel like shit right now, but when I think back to last night, I was having so much fun! So I don't really know.

...I don't think I've ever been so drunk before. At least not proper drunk. I think this could be good. I've avoided drinking too much for a while now because in the past I tended to cry? When I was too intoxicated? I dunno, it was weird. I cried at PB (although my friend was also carried away in an ambulance for drinking a whole bottle of vodka that night, so that most likely largely contributed to the crying), and I cried on prom. But on prom, another person (one who comforted me on PB when I was bawling, haha...) was taken to the hospital too, so!

ANYWAYS, my point is that last night I did not shed a single tear! :)))) HAHAH. So weird to say that! But seriously, this is a first. I mean I've been tipsy and stuff before, but I sort of prefer what ever is in between Tipsy and Excessively Drunk (i.e. inebriated enough to be reckless, but not puking or passing out all over the place).

And last night? That was achieved.

I am actually willing to give a somewhat full account of last night, which is weird because usually I never feel like bothering. Anyway, so here goes;

After some trouble trying to figure out how to make a toga, I walked over to Sean's. We loaded the Stella into the back, and his mom drove us to the other Sean's house so that we could pick him up. Let's call him Louis VIII just to help differentiate the two.

So, from there we drive to the house where the toga party is. I have never met the host in my life.

Once we get there, we see everyone standing out in the driveway. I was mildly confused. I see all the girls from Sacred coming over to say hi, and it's kind of nice because I've really started to like them since we all met this summer. Then I see N* running at me and before I realize what's going on, we're hugging. It was nice. I have to say, a lot was going through my head in that moment. But it was good to finally see her.

I guess it's only been two or three weeks since we last saw each other, but I don't think that time really counted. It was the time in between that did.

Unfortunately I think I stepped on her foot when we hugged haha, so after that I just made it awkward. Maybe I didn't actually step on her foot and instead I was just trying to find an excuse to let go... I was nervous I guess. I wish I didn't step on her foot. Or didn't fake-step on her foot. Or whatever the hell I did.

Once we got into the backyard, people immediately started drinking. N* probably started it off, hahaha... No, I don't actually know.

I spent a good hour standing around talking with Amanda, Christina and the Seans. Christina laughed at nearly everything I said. I love people like that, haha. They make you feel good!

Anyway, soon after, Brandon texted me to ask what I was up to tonight and I said I was at a toga party. He asked if he could come, ahaha! What a rude little boy, inviting himself. Whatever, I said yes. He came. Everyone knew who he was. It was weird. But nice!

Then I played Beer Pong with him on my team and we were against Semerjian and Amsden. It was like a high school reunion, haha! Our team lost.

Then I had to pee. A lot. I think most of my night was spent peeing actually.

I don't even really remember what happened next. I met a lot of fine people. Juliano, for instance. He was wearing a laurel made out of leaves off a bush. He told me he loved me on several occasions. He seemed nice. And then there was this guy named Alex, but apparently that... was not his real name. Oh. Yeah, now I don't remember his real name! He told me after he introduced himself as Alex what his real name was, but now I've forgotten! Oh well, I guess he's my mystery man now ...with whom I spoke for a total of 3 minutes so whatever... LOL. Thing of the past, thing of the past.

I also met a girl named Gaby who was vair pretty. She goes to Abbott in Sciences, but she hates her program. She remembered at the end of the night where I went and what my program was too. I felt special, haha.

Later, I met someone named Shauna, who reminded me of a slut I know named L*. Yes, I realize that's not a name. It's actually an L with an asterisk beside it, but I've decided to respect some people's privacy ...even though I have no followers on this blog :)

It's all anachronistic from this point on really. I stole Catherine's gin&something, and I downed it in record time. Then I danced around a little bit with ... I don't even remember, but I did dance!

D* finally came with R* and they had about 5 bottles of super expensive booze in their knapsacks which they apparently stole from a rich girl's party just before they got here. And then D* gave me my new and improved fake id. I remember vaguely being shocked and appalled about him bending it in half and then straightening it back out again. He was repeating the words "LEGIT! LEGIT!". Okay D*, it's a legit fake id. We get it.

I hung out with the two Seans for a good while after that. Sean D fell up some stairs at one point and I had a momentary heart attack. He always gets so sloshed at these things!

I also sat down with T* at some point, and she told me she planned to make out with someone by the end of the night. She soon after walked over to Amsden and sucked on his face for a good few minutes. I'm assuming the amount of time, because I mean, you can only watch someone kissing someone else for a while before you feel like a perverted creeper.

I had noticed N* spending a lot of time on some guy's lap, and it clicked with me later that he was probably the guy she was into that she'd told me about. The guy she decided she would stop drinking for.

I don't know how I felt about that. Mostly I just kept thinking about texting her to say "This is getting awkward", which I never did. But that was before I noticed her with that guy. I guess I just wanted to spend more time with her but I wasn't sure how.

Later, things calmed down. Some people were playing Kings in a circle in the grass, others were playing Beer Pong or eating pizza and chips. I didn't eat anything there that night.

I sat down with Kotar (whose full name I love by the way), and we talked about stuff.
Then I noticed N* looking sort of depressed, and I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I actually felt it. I know "wave of sadness" is an expression, and there's actually no wave at all, but I completely felt it. I went over to her we had a nice long hug. Nobody stepped on anybody's feet.

Then she said she had to take a walk. I offered to come, but she wanted to go alone.

I also (anachronistically) remember Amsden running around the house in record time. Did that happen?!

Anyways, it was approaching 1am and I had to round up the boyz to go home. The two Seans were sort of having a ball and ignoring my slurred pleas for them to please get a ride home with me. Brandon listened to me immediately though, and he helped me get the Seans going. Louis VIII said he was going to sleep over at R*'s instead of come with us, so I said fine. I was more worried about my Sean.

After that, I went around and said goodbye to everyone and thanked the host. I said goodbye to Taylor, and she asked me if I would text her tonight like I always do after a night out with her. She admitted she liked getting those texts from me, and that felt really nice, because I love sending them.

I vaguely recall making out a little bit with D* after that, but it was sort of like... a .. a weird goodbye kiss? Or something? Anyway I almost feel like it didn't happen and I was imagining it, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't imagine something like that out of thin air. I was actually going in to give him a hug, and he redirected my face to his, haha.

It was a bit uncomfortable because he was sticking his tongue down my throat and I'm... well I'm not used to that! God, I feel like that always happens. Whenever I go in for a kiss, it's all tongue on the other end and my mouth gets so confused! LOL.

Anyways, I hope soon that I'll be in a relationship with someone and get to experience something other than quick, furious, confused liplock (yes, I said "liplock" - I'm running out of synonyms). I want one of those soft, slow ones that make your whole body tingle and your senses become numb. I know they exist because I've imagined it so many times, and the idea itself makes me feel that way. So I know I can have it. I just have to rely less on alcohol to get what I want. I can't just wait to be intoxicated for things to happen. That's the cowardly and easy way out.

This is getting to be a really long account of my night, and I'm never going to get my homework done!

Let's wrap this up;

There was a lot of running in and out of the house to my mom's car because first we all had to go pee, and then we lost one of the togas! Mommy was mad.
Ran into T* and N* walking back from somewhere and I hugged them both again. I think hugs are my new favourite thing.

Then we drove home and we all talked shit on the way. My mom was laughing.


THE END.

Am I the only sour cherry on the fruit stand?

So today I had my first cancelled class ever! So exciting. It was only Phys. Ed. so it's not like seriously amazing, but it was one of my 4-6pm classes, so at least I got to come home earlier than usual!

Unfortunately it's almost 7pm now (the time I usually get home at when I have all my classes), and I haven't done anything but eat half a left-over burger, make a DAYTUM account (which I'll probably never use), and try to understand the GarageBand app on Mac (not going to happen, haha)! Oh well.

Hopefully I'll get some work done today though. I got two books on Abbot Suger (which I've now realized is French and thus is pronounced "sue-jeh" and not "sooh-gur" LOL) out of the college library, so I mean I'm definitely on a roll with this whole 'productive' thing, right? Hmm.

I don't really know what else to say. I usually stick to Tumblr for this very reason, but oh well, I feel Blogger-y lately SO FUCK YOU I'M WRITING AS MANY LONG POSTS ABOUT NOTHING AS I WANT. THANKS.
But yeah.

Oh, I wore my favourite shoes today (hence the picture), but unfortunately they look perfect without socks. With socks they're only mildly perfect. So, now my feet stink! It's so gross, I can smell it from 5 feet, 2 inches away! HAAHAHAHAHAH. Oh come on, that was slightly clever - give me some credit here!


Anyway, so yeah, they're my mom's old shoes and I stole them from her like 2 years ago and now I wear them whenever I should feel the desire!
I have to go eat supper. I wonder what we're having. I'll be back in a bit. Maybe I'll continue this post, maybe I won't. I tend to keep making broken promises to you, Blogger. Apologies.

xxx

xcxxc

dsvvdfvfdsdfsvfdvfdv
I will come up with something of value to say later. Maybe.
xxx

Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away, glistening in the cold sweat of guilt

I have spent the last 3 days doing NOTHING. Okay, I did some letter-writing for my grandpa and went to a party, but that was all on Saturday! Sunday and Monday were spent avoiding homework. This is so, so bad. It's labour day weekend! I was meant to be spending it catching up on work!
How fucked am I?! Royally.


Remember how I said I would start college with a clean slate? Okay, well maybe I never told you, but I was pretty much going around saying it, so...
Anyway, the point is that I didn't do anything of the sort! I have the same work ethic that I did a year ago (i.e. none).

Excuse me while I go avoid some homework some more.
x

Blue lips. Blue veins. Blue; the colour of our planet from far, far away.

This summer has been WEIRD. And very dramatic as well. It's pulling at my hair and at my heartstrings.