hiatus

whoa.

i just called christina and spoke to her from vendome to beaconsfield, and then for an additional hour out in my driveway. my hands are numb, my nose is running, my eyes are cried dry.

i feel so bad for making her listen to me for over an hour, but it was such a good release. i guess we came to some conclusions. like how there's really nothing left to say about natalie. it's tragic, but that's just it. there's nothing left to say.
we talked about my seeing a guidance counselor, how i don't speak to my mom, how fucked up i am, how my obsessive thoughts about natalie, or even just the concept of natalie in my life, have consumed me and ripped me up into shreds.
we just - or i just - talked a lot.

sarah says: (10:48:43 PM)
i really think i scared christina though...
sarah says: (10:48:46 PM)
i scared myself
sarah says: (10:48:50 PM)
which is why i started to cry
sarah says: (10:49:10 PM)
i vocalized thoughts i didn't even know i was having




but really, i'm just lucky. that's what it comes down to. i will be selfish; self-loathing and self-pitying; but i will always come up for air every now and again and realize how grateful i really am for everything in my life. everything. the bad, sometimes, but most certainly the good.
definitely the good.
fuck yes to the good.

damn, i'm just so fucking lucky i could cry!



god, things are just so messed up with me. i wish i could tell you about my day but i'm just too all-over-the-place. i don't know. i'm just tired. my memory's gone to shit. my heart and my brain are on the fritz. yes, "on the fritz". i'm just everywhere and nowhere all at once.



but here's one tangible thing i can offer you tonight:
taylor.
fucking... just- taylor. i can't even properly express how i feel. she's amazing. she makes me feel so good. fuck.



sarah says: (10:53:11 PM)
i could get all cute and honest on you right now if you'd like
sarah says: (10:53:15 PM)
make your night
sarah says: (10:53:19 PM)
and make a fool out of myself
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:32 PM)
sarah, the other day when we left each other at the corner is proof that i make a fool out of myself all the time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:38 PM)
"point being...i like to talk"
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:42 PM)
god......
sarah says: (10:54:53 PM)
no, i loved that
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:01 PM)
yeah, im sure you did
sarah says: (10:55:03 PM)
:)
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:04 PM)
:P
sarah says: (10:55:23 PM)
i don't know, taylor. i just love you. it's so good to be around you.
sarah says: (10:55:50 PM)
your awkwardness makes me happy. and don't get self-conscious about that, and don't change. i just mean that the way you are... it just makes me happy. i always leave you feeling better.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:27 PM)
i always leave you feeling better too
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:59 PM)
and at the same time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:15 PM)
i think you're a lot smarter than i am
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:35 PM)
for example
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:48 PM)
well, no
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:58 PM)
i just want to get inside your head, is really what im trying to say
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:20 PM)
i imagine it would be magical in there
sarah says: (10:58:31 PM)
haha, oh taylor
sarah says: (10:58:40 PM)
i guarantee you it's not magical
sarah says: (10:58:46 PM)
but i'm intrigued by that statement
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:58 PM)
see, i think you're intriguing
sarah says: (10:59:05 PM)
and i you

----

sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:30 PM)
no, but seriously taylor, did you not see me today?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:09:33 PM)
indeed
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:34 PM)
i think i looked how i felt
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:23 PM)
i think you looked gine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:25 PM)
*fine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:40 PM)
also, i try not to place to much importance on my friends appearance
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:50 PM)
mostly because i often appear not good
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:10:56 PM)
oh shut.up.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:30 PM)
what? too cheesy?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:56 PM)
i'm good at that, too
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:12:29 PM)
cheesy? no, i just happen to highly disagree with that statement. also, i did not look fine. i took a shower at 3:30 and my hair was still wet when i woke up. my bangs were a violation upon humankind. which is why they were pushed back. haphazardly.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:12 PM)
this is going to sound werid
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:14 PM)
*weird
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:23 PM)
but one of my favorite parts of your face is your cheeks
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:28 PM)
and those can never look bad

---

Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:02 PM)
you know what's funny?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:11 PM)
i feel like i know you really well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:25 PM)
i DO know you quite well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:15 PM)
but i don't know your favorite colour, or what your cat's name is, or your favorite book, or food.....
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:31 PM)
i dunno
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:34 PM)
strikes me



ok i've got no more to offer you that i can think of, blog.
maybe later on
i started my break from tumblr today.
woohoo. wish me luck.

there was a lot of sexual tension. at least on my part. oh my god, i just wanted to kiss her. but it was too awkward. i was aware of every single part of me; my hands, my legs, my chest, my eyes. i think i think too much. i almost didn't pay any attention to any of the words she spoke tonight. too concentrated on the physical.

we had a shot of vodka on the grass in the field. we bought cotton candy. we watched "up". our legs touched. we ran to pallay's house. you played pool really impressively. we started to walk back -- your parents were already there to pick you up. we were rushing.

"natalie--", i reached my arm out to grab the collar of her coat
she knew what i meant by that before any words left my lips
"but i, i have to go- my parents-- i " and then i held her, and she held me and we kissed
so many thoughts running through my head the entire time.
she pulled away, and said she had to go. things reverted back to talking about alejandro. ugh.
i let her have the cotton candy to take home.

she left.


i went back over to pallay's, had a beer, talked to pallay while he made me a bagel with peanut butter, got an amazing massage from drew,
i'm really too tired to keep writing

i think we were both just too tired

black & gold

god... i really don't know how she could dispense with all of her pride last night... it's disturbing. i tried to be the voice of reason yesterday afternoon, but i think she was too influenced by ariel (her "devil ego", as i like to call her). she's nice and all but a really terrible influence. ah. i still need to try and wrap my head around that. i could never do it, personally. i don't think i'm that desperate for sexual pleasure that i would completely disregard how badly i've been treated by a person. i have too much pride. i'd just fuck em and find someone better. and i don't mean that literally... or maybe i do. really, at the rate she's corrupting me with her twisted philosophies, who knows...
i got a text saying they dealt with emotions and left the fucking aside. i'm proud, in this case. angel ego wins.


ironic, in my case?

someday my pain will mark you, harness your blame and walk through

kelsey is

fucked.

up.

i guess i didn't realize until now.

but then again, everyone is in some way, right?

anyways, maybe it's just because i've been exhibiting such feelings of idolatry towards her ever since we met and i've thus allowed myself to see past the messy stuff... but regardless, i'm glad i'm having this revelation so early on.

the one rule i'm currently trying to abide by is "never idealize the beloved". she's not my beloved or anything, but the main point here is to not idealize.

it's something i do constantly with people who fascinate me. i put them on a pedestal so high that, in fact, it would be impossible for them to ever actually reach the thing let alone sit atop of it.

so, idealizations. they must cease.
..but then if i'm going to abide by the astrological doctrine for the next few months, as a trial run, then i'm going to have to accept that it's something i, a pisces, would do! hm!

via:

"Though not all Pisceans occupy their time with such lofty aspirations as attaining their rightful place in the universe, the notion of perfection is a strong factor in their personality. They find it difficult to deal with people and situations that do not live up to their idealized images. It isn't that they can't see things clearly, they just don't want to accept things as they really are."

am i okay with this? i don't know. i'm too strong-willed. i feel like i should abandon that part of me if i plan to avoid disappointment. i'm so sick of being disappointed in everyone. i really do have the best intentions when i expect great things from people, honestly. it just means i hold people in high esteem, right? and that's always nice, right?
yes. but then that's the root of the problem as well...

k: i mean i just dont see the problems that arise as a result of it
k: like sure every now and then the illusion wavers and you crash
k: but when you're high, you're higher than most you know?
me: disappointment is the problem. crushing disappointment.
k: and soaring hope
me: which always comes to an abrupt end when i'm exposed to reality, no?
me: yes.
k: yes
k: and then you eventually accept and go back
k: to another take on reality
me: it's an unbearable cycle though, you know?
k: maybe
k: i dont know
k: i prefer it
k: the extremes provide contrast
me: of course
k: lol you dont have to agree with me

whatever, i'll figure this out. let the chips fall where they may. all that.

and i only feel alright when the VU is flashing

truth be told, at this point, i'm just feeling really... lascivious. the whole emotion, lovey-dovey, dramatic, passionate shit? throw that in with the trash, please. she fucks with my head too much for me to even be able to afford to feel that way. plus i'm kind of annoyed lately. what, are we trying to be friends now? is this what this is?
i don't know.
i know i've got an emotional pull on her, but i am willing to let that sever for a little bit of physical intimacy.
ok, that's harsh-ish.
but it's true! i'd rather have something physical, no string attached. i think it could be fun.

p.s. i started watching the show called "the L word"

shaking from the pain that's in my head, just want to crawl into my bed

Wow, today was a ride.

I love exploring all the realms of emotion. It's nice to let it out and change up your mindset a little bit. I always get really deep into it when I'm in English class because I somehow tend to relate myself to the most fucked up character in the text. That's okay, it keeps things interesting. And frustrating.

But really, as far as English class goes, it couldn't have been better. I thought it would be shit because I was having a rough afternoon I guess, but Kelsey was there, and I've never welcomed the smell of cigarette smoke off someone's clothes so much.

I spoke about it with Nicole on the train later, and she thinks our relationship is weird. She thinks it will die because I look up to her too much and almost too willingly allow myself to be the inferior one. She thinks I spend too much time trying to analyze her. She doesn't understand. I analyze everyone. I just don't use Astrology to do it. I don't like guidelines. I think everyone is too special and unique to have a rubric to follow.

I asked Kelsey if I could borrow her notebook, because I wanted to read over our conversation again. She laughed and handed it over. We've got things about feelings mixed in with analytical points about Gregor Samsa. Ha. His name means 'I am alone' in Czech. It's very interesting. But anyways, I just opened the notebook now, and on the inside flap of the coverpage, it says:

L. Bellon:
definitely Earth
probably Capricorn or Virgo

I chuckled. I think I'm going to look through this notebook like a creeper tonight. After I read The Greeks and Modern Muslim Intellectuals, that is.

Life is unfortunate sometimes, but I guess this is what I deserve for neglecting work, sleep and food all week long. I'm a mess.

I called Pallay after school to ask if he'd be on the train. He said he'd finished school already, but offered to give me a lift home when I reached my station. It was very thoughtful of him and I took him up on it. I think he really wanted to talk.

Anyways, I know I won't get any sleep tonight. I want to, I really do, but they're all right about me. Sleep is my last priority. I value time too much to waste it being unconscious. I need to be alive and actively thinking at all times. I'm assuming it's part of the masochistic part of me, because, really, I despise my thoughts.

I'm so irrational that sometimes I think I shouldn't even be here.

I hope I did right by everyone today.

I'm still so sad about Natalie. I'm scared she's over it.

i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i'm reading "guts" by chuck palahniuk, i'm looking at pictures of you, i'm listening to sad music, i'm writing up an assignment for class, i'm smiling at the thought of us being together.

...but why? i'm mad at you. i'm disgusted, i'm hurt. but yet i smile.
maybe it's because i love you. i'm in love with you.
'love' is a trivial thing, i know, i know. but isn't life too short to spend it trying to define it?
i care about you beyond any imaginable doubt, i am always yearning to be in your presence, i have (strong) sexual feelings towards you, i understand your flaws and i don't judge you for them, i find you terribly interesting and fear not for a period where you may seem boring to me. you're always on my mind.
aren't these tell-tale signs? i don't really know for sure, but i think so.

i'm scared.
i just want you so much, but i think this is the end. i'm not so sure...
either way, we're going to cross paths.
i just don't want the feelings to fade. no. not yet.
i'm making out with you at the next party, regardless of who else you get with or whether you even want to kiss me back.
that's the extremity of my desire, my hatred for you. it's all so complicated.

i'm hungry for you. i want to rip you open and eat you up.

highly annoyed

i don't let go of things easily. not when they matter so much to me.

i was asleep all of english class, but if i've learned something over the last few weeks, it's that the ephemeral is beautiful and there are terrible dangers in idealizing a beloved.

the ephemeral must only appreciated after the fact or something, because right now, i only resent the brevity of our predicament. yes, that's right. i miss the dysfunction

i idealized you, and i idealize kelsey. none of this will end well. nothing ever does.

i wished for it, you know. i wished for it and i got it. 11:11 every night. i always caught the clock. konstantine. i asked for one moment with you, one that i'd remember as being really good. i told it that's all that i wanted. now what the fuck was i thinking? i should've begged for a shell, a coil of barbed wire, anything, with which to encase my heart. i should've asked for anything but a good moment with you.

i know it was fleeting. i know it was fucked up. there's no definition for what we were, for what we've ever been. but the problem is you're in my head now more than ever and it's a lot to do with lust, sure, but that's because i feel like i have unfinished business with you. isn't it only right that i'm hurting? isn't it only right that i care? i want to hold your hand. i want to feel my heart skip when you squeeze tight, when you stroke my fingers with yours. i want to kiss you on the mouth, on the neck, on the chest, . i want to fuck you. i want to rub my lips along your scars. i want your damaged body, i want every little piece of you. i want to be selfish, ceaselessly.


& i'm always going to blame myself, even when logic says you're the one at fault.
i feel like you don't care, which makes how i feel seem wrong. but fuck that, i'll feel what i want to feel.

i wanted to be henry. i wanted you to be the dorian to my henry.
i've come out as poor basil. it's tragic as fuck. absolutely fucking tragic.

silver lining:

i just realized i hooked up with two redheads on halloween night. how appropriate.