Exposed and you're my weakness - I'll take this day by day.

i don't know what to say or what to do.
i'm stuck at a crossroads.
she's so amazing. i'm so lost.


i hope i can eventually experience the platonic state of self-examination and learn who it is that i am.

i need this soon.

Everybody everybody just wanna fall in love

Today was not bad at all! I think I'm sort of comfortable with everything right now. I don't miss b* as much as I usually do after long periods of time. It's weird, but good, because I need to be a little less dependent on him. LOVE IT SO FAR.

I accidentally stood up i* tonight on msn. I feel so bad. I ditched him for someone... else's... company. Was that mean? Probably, but I'm selfish. I do feel a little regretful though. I love my ersatz boyfriend/bestfriend/confidant/crush/impossibility, and I should have been there. He isn't feeling well. He's not going to choir practice tomorrow. BLESS 'IM.

Okay, I'm a leeeeettle bit hyper.
I sent him a text saying I was sending a hug to his sickbed. He replied by telling me which bus it should take and at what time. I love him! And hate him. THIS IS SO BADDDDDD.


Goodnight my babies. I know I'm vague and mysterious. Isn't it endearing somehow? xxx


p.s. today colleen said she had inappropriate thoughts about our english teacher. I AM SO SCARRED.

I've got nothing to say, I'm in utter dismay.

So this weekend has been a little bit of a bore...
I feel like my weekends are either reaaaaally action-packed and crazy or else completely void of physical/mental activity.
I don't know. I suppose it's either one of the two extremes most of the time ...which kind of blows!
It's because when I decide to commit a day to homework, I literally commit the whole day. No breaks, no eating, no peeing... it's crazy. But then I never get very much work done! So I don't really see the point in my "faux-workaholic" attitude.

Anyway, I did get most of one of my assignments done. Unfortunately I've still got to finish it, plus I have 3 chapters to read for one class, a couple of Shakespearean sonnets for another, AND another assignment! Screwed royally. I mean, if I start all of this now I won't be, but who am I kidding?

I think I might call up Ms. Hackett to see if she's available to discuss my commission piece of her kids. I'm so excited for that :)

Okay, there's nothing much else to say today. I'm not feeling very deep.
Maybe I'll give one of those point-form things of my life later so y'allz know how I'm doing ...even though I pretty much tell you how I'm doing in essay paragraph format nearly every day.
:/
shutup.

i'm tired. good-bye.
xxx

ps: night time usually yields better posts out of me. it's the time of day when i'm most emotionally disheveled.

Calvary, Calvary, surely he died on Calvary.

Hello, hello!
I am terribly exhausted! I went to bed at 4am last night and got up at 10! ...So I suppose technically I reached my usual amount of sleep (6 hours?), but they were at different times so it threw me off!

I'm supposed to be reading some Plato right now. I have a quiz on his writings straight away tomorrow morning.
Actually it's more broad than that -- I have to have read "Euthyphro", "Apology" and some other texts by Antiphon and I suppose the teacher will be checking to see if we've read.
I have no problem reading Plato (he is absolutely engrossing), but I find Antiphon to be compleeeetely boring and confusing! Hopefully the teacher won't ask too many questions on him because I quite frankly refuse to read his stuff, haha!

Anyways, today has been a blur. I don't really want to talk about it because... well I don't know why! It's just kind of boring to talk about my day :P


Oh, but the greatest part of it was that this girl in my Sacred Writings class brought sheet music and we all sang a hymn about Jesus. It was hilarious!
Also I just heard from the other room that my sister has lost her tooth. Cool. I miss being able to lose baby teeth.

So yeah... anyway, I'm slightly uninspired this afternoon. And very exhausted, as mentioned earlier.

So I'm going to take my shower now and lie in bed with Plato (UNF).


GOODNIGHT MY CHILDREN

xxx

ps: my new website HAHA

Said I'll always be your friend, took an oath and I'll stick it out 'til the end.

via

Today I got very sick in Ancient Philosophy and had to excuse myself from class. Unfortunately I stupidly tried to wait it out for over an hour before actually deciding to ask to leave. I should have left immediately when I felt ill. I don't even learn anything in that class!

Anyway, so I called my mom in a nervous panic, thinking I was going to throw up any minute or something. She called our family friend, Lauren, who lives in NDG and she hurried over to pick me up in her car. I was dying on the ride to her house, oh my god.

When we got there, I went immediately to the bathroom and enjoyed some quality time with the toilet bowl. Then asked for a glass of water. Lauren was so absolutely amazing to me. She set up her grandson's bed for me and gave me his little stuffed animal doggy to sleep with. So nice. It was terribly cold in that room, but I just felt so at ease.

When I came downstairs, she made me scrambled eggs & toast. Watermelon for dessert.
I felt so much better after that.
I feel like I should write her a card or give her a call or draw her something in thanks. I was well taken care of. Pampered, even!

And her cats left me with fur on the shins of my jeans when it was time for me to go back to class...


Now I'd love to write more but it's terribly late (as per usual), and I still have to shower up and decide what to wear tomorrow!


xxx

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time

i hate feeling like i'm annoying. it's probably one of the worst feelings ever.
but i also happen to over-think things a lot too, so i could just be imagining this all in my head.

UGH.

This seriously feels like a.e all over again. I wrote something about this in my Moleskine this morning on the train when I was feeling shitty. Actually I wasn't really feeling shitty, I just honestly couldn't get this person off my mind... so as a result I sort of felt lonely and helpless. I hate that feeling so much.
& this is also exactly what happened with a.e when we first started talking two years ago. This exact series of emotional experiences! First nothing, then harmless curiosity, then amusement, then I begin to take interest, then I'm always thinking about them, then I feel like I'm putting them on a pedestal because I think about them more than I see them, then I'm constantly yearning for their attention and company, and then I collapse in a bout of confusion and stress-induced fatigue! ...
AHAHAHA, ohhhh lord. I hope this case doesn't escalate as badly though!
I really think I have some sort of complex.


Mostly though I'm just going through a very confusing part of my life.
Very. Confusing.

xxx

via

and i can't figure out quite how that works.

Just leave me your wake to remember you by.

via

This is not my picture - I didn't take it. But this is a statement which sums up my life and pretty much just rips me apart at the seams.

I don't know that there is much else to talk about tonight. I wrote my longest post for you already... was it only this morning? Oh man. Well, yes. So.


We'll do a point-form summary of how things are for me right now then (even though the above picture does a good job on its own):

• I miss my a.e to an unreasonable degree. I wish we could be talking every night again like we used to. I guess life just gets in the way of things like this. I hate distance. I hate the twisted proximity. I hate lies. I hate truth. I hate lust. I hate love.
• I wish I wasn't so helpless to those who gave but a glance in my direction.
• I wish I wasn't so confused about things.
• I need motivation of any sort in my life, because I know I can't succeed if I don't have anything helping me along. I need something.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I'm listening to Boats & Birds by Gregory & the Hawk on repeat. This song reminds me of Sunmi, because 2 years ago, when our friendship was at its peak, she loved the artist. She's gone to North Carolina now. Which isn't a big deal, because before she was living in New York, so it's not like the long distance bit is the hard part. It's just so different. She wasn't allowed to take any of her cats with her.
I miss her terribly. I miss so much right now. It SUCKS. Haha.



So I'll take my shower and begin homework now I think. It's already 11pm and I was supposed to not let this happen again. It's this new thing with MSN that just keeps me on it all night long. Well. Sort of.
I don't know.


Sometimes I think I'm too open on the internet. Too open in general, in fact. It will probably be the death of me.


xxx
night

I know you want me, you know I want'cha...

last night, when i got home. happy - not sad. notice?!

this morning, when i woke up. hungover - notice?! haha.

Honestly, I'm having a difficult time deciding whether last night was the best party ever, or the worst. Because for some reason I feel like shit right now, but when I think back to last night, I was having so much fun! So I don't really know.

...I don't think I've ever been so drunk before. At least not proper drunk. I think this could be good. I've avoided drinking too much for a while now because in the past I tended to cry? When I was too intoxicated? I dunno, it was weird. I cried at PB (although my friend was also carried away in an ambulance for drinking a whole bottle of vodka that night, so that most likely largely contributed to the crying), and I cried on prom. But on prom, another person (one who comforted me on PB when I was bawling, haha...) was taken to the hospital too, so!

ANYWAYS, my point is that last night I did not shed a single tear! :)))) HAHAH. So weird to say that! But seriously, this is a first. I mean I've been tipsy and stuff before, but I sort of prefer what ever is in between Tipsy and Excessively Drunk (i.e. inebriated enough to be reckless, but not puking or passing out all over the place).

And last night? That was achieved.

I am actually willing to give a somewhat full account of last night, which is weird because usually I never feel like bothering. Anyway, so here goes;

After some trouble trying to figure out how to make a toga, I walked over to Sean's. We loaded the Stella into the back, and his mom drove us to the other Sean's house so that we could pick him up. Let's call him Louis VIII just to help differentiate the two.

So, from there we drive to the house where the toga party is. I have never met the host in my life.

Once we get there, we see everyone standing out in the driveway. I was mildly confused. I see all the girls from Sacred coming over to say hi, and it's kind of nice because I've really started to like them since we all met this summer. Then I see N* running at me and before I realize what's going on, we're hugging. It was nice. I have to say, a lot was going through my head in that moment. But it was good to finally see her.

I guess it's only been two or three weeks since we last saw each other, but I don't think that time really counted. It was the time in between that did.

Unfortunately I think I stepped on her foot when we hugged haha, so after that I just made it awkward. Maybe I didn't actually step on her foot and instead I was just trying to find an excuse to let go... I was nervous I guess. I wish I didn't step on her foot. Or didn't fake-step on her foot. Or whatever the hell I did.

Once we got into the backyard, people immediately started drinking. N* probably started it off, hahaha... No, I don't actually know.

I spent a good hour standing around talking with Amanda, Christina and the Seans. Christina laughed at nearly everything I said. I love people like that, haha. They make you feel good!

Anyway, soon after, Brandon texted me to ask what I was up to tonight and I said I was at a toga party. He asked if he could come, ahaha! What a rude little boy, inviting himself. Whatever, I said yes. He came. Everyone knew who he was. It was weird. But nice!

Then I played Beer Pong with him on my team and we were against Semerjian and Amsden. It was like a high school reunion, haha! Our team lost.

Then I had to pee. A lot. I think most of my night was spent peeing actually.

I don't even really remember what happened next. I met a lot of fine people. Juliano, for instance. He was wearing a laurel made out of leaves off a bush. He told me he loved me on several occasions. He seemed nice. And then there was this guy named Alex, but apparently that... was not his real name. Oh. Yeah, now I don't remember his real name! He told me after he introduced himself as Alex what his real name was, but now I've forgotten! Oh well, I guess he's my mystery man now ...with whom I spoke for a total of 3 minutes so whatever... LOL. Thing of the past, thing of the past.

I also met a girl named Gaby who was vair pretty. She goes to Abbott in Sciences, but she hates her program. She remembered at the end of the night where I went and what my program was too. I felt special, haha.

Later, I met someone named Shauna, who reminded me of a slut I know named L*. Yes, I realize that's not a name. It's actually an L with an asterisk beside it, but I've decided to respect some people's privacy ...even though I have no followers on this blog :)

It's all anachronistic from this point on really. I stole Catherine's gin&something, and I downed it in record time. Then I danced around a little bit with ... I don't even remember, but I did dance!

D* finally came with R* and they had about 5 bottles of super expensive booze in their knapsacks which they apparently stole from a rich girl's party just before they got here. And then D* gave me my new and improved fake id. I remember vaguely being shocked and appalled about him bending it in half and then straightening it back out again. He was repeating the words "LEGIT! LEGIT!". Okay D*, it's a legit fake id. We get it.

I hung out with the two Seans for a good while after that. Sean D fell up some stairs at one point and I had a momentary heart attack. He always gets so sloshed at these things!

I also sat down with T* at some point, and she told me she planned to make out with someone by the end of the night. She soon after walked over to Amsden and sucked on his face for a good few minutes. I'm assuming the amount of time, because I mean, you can only watch someone kissing someone else for a while before you feel like a perverted creeper.

I had noticed N* spending a lot of time on some guy's lap, and it clicked with me later that he was probably the guy she was into that she'd told me about. The guy she decided she would stop drinking for.

I don't know how I felt about that. Mostly I just kept thinking about texting her to say "This is getting awkward", which I never did. But that was before I noticed her with that guy. I guess I just wanted to spend more time with her but I wasn't sure how.

Later, things calmed down. Some people were playing Kings in a circle in the grass, others were playing Beer Pong or eating pizza and chips. I didn't eat anything there that night.

I sat down with Kotar (whose full name I love by the way), and we talked about stuff.
Then I noticed N* looking sort of depressed, and I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I actually felt it. I know "wave of sadness" is an expression, and there's actually no wave at all, but I completely felt it. I went over to her we had a nice long hug. Nobody stepped on anybody's feet.

Then she said she had to take a walk. I offered to come, but she wanted to go alone.

I also (anachronistically) remember Amsden running around the house in record time. Did that happen?!

Anyways, it was approaching 1am and I had to round up the boyz to go home. The two Seans were sort of having a ball and ignoring my slurred pleas for them to please get a ride home with me. Brandon listened to me immediately though, and he helped me get the Seans going. Louis VIII said he was going to sleep over at R*'s instead of come with us, so I said fine. I was more worried about my Sean.

After that, I went around and said goodbye to everyone and thanked the host. I said goodbye to Taylor, and she asked me if I would text her tonight like I always do after a night out with her. She admitted she liked getting those texts from me, and that felt really nice, because I love sending them.

I vaguely recall making out a little bit with D* after that, but it was sort of like... a .. a weird goodbye kiss? Or something? Anyway I almost feel like it didn't happen and I was imagining it, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't imagine something like that out of thin air. I was actually going in to give him a hug, and he redirected my face to his, haha.

It was a bit uncomfortable because he was sticking his tongue down my throat and I'm... well I'm not used to that! God, I feel like that always happens. Whenever I go in for a kiss, it's all tongue on the other end and my mouth gets so confused! LOL.

Anyways, I hope soon that I'll be in a relationship with someone and get to experience something other than quick, furious, confused liplock (yes, I said "liplock" - I'm running out of synonyms). I want one of those soft, slow ones that make your whole body tingle and your senses become numb. I know they exist because I've imagined it so many times, and the idea itself makes me feel that way. So I know I can have it. I just have to rely less on alcohol to get what I want. I can't just wait to be intoxicated for things to happen. That's the cowardly and easy way out.

This is getting to be a really long account of my night, and I'm never going to get my homework done!

Let's wrap this up;

There was a lot of running in and out of the house to my mom's car because first we all had to go pee, and then we lost one of the togas! Mommy was mad.
Ran into T* and N* walking back from somewhere and I hugged them both again. I think hugs are my new favourite thing.

Then we drove home and we all talked shit on the way. My mom was laughing.


THE END.

Am I the only sour cherry on the fruit stand?

So today I had my first cancelled class ever! So exciting. It was only Phys. Ed. so it's not like seriously amazing, but it was one of my 4-6pm classes, so at least I got to come home earlier than usual!

Unfortunately it's almost 7pm now (the time I usually get home at when I have all my classes), and I haven't done anything but eat half a left-over burger, make a DAYTUM account (which I'll probably never use), and try to understand the GarageBand app on Mac (not going to happen, haha)! Oh well.

Hopefully I'll get some work done today though. I got two books on Abbot Suger (which I've now realized is French and thus is pronounced "sue-jeh" and not "sooh-gur" LOL) out of the college library, so I mean I'm definitely on a roll with this whole 'productive' thing, right? Hmm.

I don't really know what else to say. I usually stick to Tumblr for this very reason, but oh well, I feel Blogger-y lately SO FUCK YOU I'M WRITING AS MANY LONG POSTS ABOUT NOTHING AS I WANT. THANKS.
But yeah.

Oh, I wore my favourite shoes today (hence the picture), but unfortunately they look perfect without socks. With socks they're only mildly perfect. So, now my feet stink! It's so gross, I can smell it from 5 feet, 2 inches away! HAAHAHAHAHAH. Oh come on, that was slightly clever - give me some credit here!


Anyway, so yeah, they're my mom's old shoes and I stole them from her like 2 years ago and now I wear them whenever I should feel the desire!
I have to go eat supper. I wonder what we're having. I'll be back in a bit. Maybe I'll continue this post, maybe I won't. I tend to keep making broken promises to you, Blogger. Apologies.

xxx

xcxxc

dsvvdfvfdsdfsvfdvfdv
I will come up with something of value to say later. Maybe.
xxx

Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away, glistening in the cold sweat of guilt

I have spent the last 3 days doing NOTHING. Okay, I did some letter-writing for my grandpa and went to a party, but that was all on Saturday! Sunday and Monday were spent avoiding homework. This is so, so bad. It's labour day weekend! I was meant to be spending it catching up on work!
How fucked am I?! Royally.


Remember how I said I would start college with a clean slate? Okay, well maybe I never told you, but I was pretty much going around saying it, so...
Anyway, the point is that I didn't do anything of the sort! I have the same work ethic that I did a year ago (i.e. none).

Excuse me while I go avoid some homework some more.
x