But faith, it is a knowing thing, relinquish all control of things and submit yourself to loving in the highest light

I think I've become too cocky. I think it's complicated everything. It's a weird sort of cocky which lies beneath the surface and doesn't come out in my actions but rather in my general mindset. I say that I'm too modest or self-loathing to allow certain things to seem as if they were done as a reaction to me, but I don't think this is so anymore… and I think that's okay to an extent, I mean I don't want to be self-loathing… but I also don't want to be this weird, warped sort of self-confident. I want to be innocent and honest and vulnerable again. I lost that with Natalie, and while I was with Taylor, it only grew worse because I began to feel outrageously more superior to her. Then, with Kelsey, it just completely fucked itself over. She was the person I used to tell everything to-- well, not everything, but I could. I could tell her anything in the world without holding back, no feelings of insecurity or embarrassment about what I could let slip out, no fear of being judged… and, I don't know, I mean I'd even once asked her how she liked vaginas to be groomed! And, okay, that sounds random, and it would be totally "mundane" if I'd asked it as if I were mildly curious and detached from the question itself, but I was able to ask her this without hiding the fact that I was curious for myself, knowing that, if anything, she'd find it cute or amusing or, well, perfectly acceptable really.
Now, if I were to ask her something of the sort, I'd feel like she was judging me or laughing at me. There's a difference between amusement and pointed hilarity and, lately, I feel like everything I do is met with the latter.
FUCK.
I just want to be ignorant and unaware. Not because I want to be kept from seeing the truth of things, but because what I do see when I examine things too carefully is something which is NOT the truth… I see a warped version of it, mingled with sad thoughts, awful assumptions... just, it's just bad. I could live without it.
I want to be a fool. I want to get tricked, I want to be happy and interested in everything, I am sick of blocking myself off from new ideas, new people, new emotions, just because I'm scared it'll all turn out badly. I've just become a real cynic and I want to change.

i don't know what happened to my view of you. something happened, i'm not sure what. i mean, i suppose perceptions change and transform over time, but i miss how you used to look like in my eyes. i had this, not blind, but perhaps doubtless and unwavering trust and confidence in you. these days i've still got this often inexplicable, but sometimes completely rational admiration for you, but it's a lot more... edited and morphed. i've allowed my insecurities to take hold of one of the few things i had going for me. now i'm scared to like you the way i used to and confide in you as wholly. i feel like in some way you're judging me. not in the conventional way that i assume everyone else does, but just in a kelsey way. critical but sort of indifferent about it. the indifference scares me. i don't know. i just. don't. know. anymore.

i hate kelsey for this. she knows i overthink. she gives me looks today in class, she drunk texts me song lyrics ("I dunno if i can stand another hdnd upon you all iknow is that i should hahaha oh dear fucking god gahgkagmpan"), she uses flirtatious lines like "oh you". what the fuck am i to do with this? it's not hard to get to me, she knows that, so what's she trying to do? this isn't fair.
:(
and now i'm eagerly awaiting the call she just promised me. why did she even do that? i only called her as a response to her text. she doesn't have to call me back ffs. now i'm just a loser waiting for a phonecall that may never come. this always happens.

might update you later, might not, we'll see. xx

i think i'm too involved. i'm too out there. i can't keep putting myself out there. i feel like taylor is overlapping natalie. in fact, it's more than a feeling, it's fact. even moreso now that nat is coming back into my life. taylor is certainly not sloppy seconds but the fact of the matter is that she is the second girl i've gone through this routine with and to be honest, i don't know if i'm strong enough to go through it again.

what people don't seem to understand is that i don't follow the conventional concept of time; i just don't understand it. in my mind, everything moves so much slower. every look, every exchange; it's all happening in slow motion for me and i feel it all, all of the time. i described this in a piece of writing i once wrote which i've only ever shared with one person, but basically it involves me comparing myself to an open wound. half of the text is spent glorifying the nature of newly damaged skin and the other half denounces the idea of a healed scar, which has become closed off and unfeeling. i remember thinking how much i loved what i wrote because it wasn't written as a response to something or someone. it was really nothing more than an elaboration on a simple musing. turned out to be rather fantastic.
i didn't praise an open wound because i wanted to illustrate feelings of brokenness or of hurting or suffering, but rather to express the beauty of sensitivity, and how that is what i am. sensitive. sensitive and vulnerable, and i savour it all, whether salty or sweet. everything i experience --be it a tangible situation or event, or even something as fleeting and abstract as an emotion--, it's all amplified and emphasized. everything matters to me. i put meaning into it all. which is all to say, this might be a contributing factor to my warped views on the passing of time.

it makes me terribly high-maintenance in a very uncharacteristic way. i think hard on things and i am often quite fickle, capricious. it scares me. and this would make the difficulties one might have with me very hard to place because one would never be sure what exactly it is they want to blame me for. the fact of the matter is, i don't show any obvious, outward signs of dysfunction. not the common sort of signs that would make someone automatically run in the opposite direction and never look back, as they most probably should. it's unfair. i'm afraid to put anyone through it. so, so afraid. i often feel like a hypochondriac restricted to only the mental illnesses and how they can become contagious. i'm afraid to destroy or corrupt, and i know that i'm very capable of it. i'm capable of it through manipulation of emotion and thought, though not done intentionally, i do recognize when it occurs... even when the affected does not.

anyway, i know i'm sounding extreme but that's how i do. you usually have to find the underlying message in the wordy mess. and by 'you', i mean myself, odd as that may be.
i suppose rants like these, in all of their apparent confusion, ultimately bring clarity.

epiphany. you were the innocent one. you were the more breakable one. i fucked with that. i don't think i ever realized how harsh and dark i was when it all started, but i was. i had this low self-esteem that made me hate myself enough to think i could never possibly hurt anyone because i could never matter enough to someone to be able to wield that sort of power. every time you'd express something about your feelings for someone, i'd never assume it had anything to do with me. i'd always find a way to twist your words to make it about someone else. every song you listened to, i was never the person you were thinking about as it played. every picture that inspired you never reminded you of me, it reminded you of someone else. my feelings for you were clouded over by bitterness and jealousy, sometimes warranted, but mostly just conjured from my own imagination.

this murkiness that bubbled inside of me was lying just below the surface, not tangible, but there. it only made itself evident afterwards, and as a result i blamed it all on you. that wasn't fair at all. i feel guilty about it every second because, to see you hurt, to imagine a pained look on your face, that sinking feeling in your chest as you read my heavy words, it breaks my heart. it really does.

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:14 AM)

and for her, she's just so hilariously enamoured by me... that it's just... haha i dont know, but she takes me so seriously

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:20 AM)

it's deeply flattering

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:34 AM)

like she'll say things like "i've never met anyone like you before... "

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:40 AM)

and she'll elaborate in some weird way

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:59 AM)

and obviously, me being me, i won't understand the fascination

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:08 AM)

which perhaps might be how you feel about ME

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:12 AM)

...hahaha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:47 AM)

but you and i are very different, PLUS you're not quite as modest as i am so its very likely you think of my attitude towards you differently than i would with taylor

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:53 AM)

not that theyre entirely the same but theyre comparable

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:57 AM)

(am i making sense?)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:13 AM)

lol oh please, no insecurities haha:p and YES i follow, dont worry:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:20 AM)

and now way man im totally modest

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:24 AM)

you're just insecure:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:29 AM)

needlessly so, if i may add

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:43 AM)

that's... nice of you.. haha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:47 AM)

i know though, you're right

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:59 AM)

lol but you dont believe it? ah okay, you see thats what i like to hear lol

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:49 AM)

well i mean i UNDERSTAND i might be a little insecure...

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:55 AM)

i just think it can't be helped:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:49:22 AM)

oh you lol :)

she's so young. she's so innocent. i don't know what to do.
she's a child, really, and i think this is what i struggle with most. this frustration with lack of people in my life who are actually on my level. i want that so badly. kelsey's up there, if not higher.

i only say this, not because i think i may corrupt her( though this is already happening i imagine), but because i'll tire of her. get bored. feel frustrated.

the most impressive thing about her though is how she comprehends the incomprehensibility of me. it's appreciated. it's a start. even though it's all just too unfathomable for her to REALLY grasp.... more-so than she'll ever know.

Taylor; says: (2:07:17 AM)

im gonna go to bed soon

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:24 AM)

oh no

Taylor; says: (2:07:29 AM)

oh yes

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:41 AM)

:(

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:07:54 AM)

well mayyybe it's for the best

Taylor; says: (2:08:00 AM)

yess it is

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:06 AM)

i mean, i'm probably not going to bed once you go

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:21 AM)

but i'm close to saying things i probably shouldnt say so

Taylor; says: (2:08:24 AM)

i know

Taylor; says: (2:08:31 AM)

to who?

Taylor; says: (2:08:40 AM)

natalies not online.....

Taylor; says: (2:08:43 AM)

just kidding

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:51 AM)

har har

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:08:54 AM)

no, to you

Taylor; says: (2:09:03 AM)

oh

Taylor; says: (2:09:38 AM)

i hate when you do this

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:09:44 AM)

what am i doing?

Taylor; says: (2:09:53 AM)

you know what you're doing

Taylor; says: (2:09:55 AM)

you have to

Taylor; says: (2:10:28 AM)

when you say something like that just as say i should go

Taylor; says: (2:10:38 AM)

or you don't elaborate

Taylor; says: (2:10:42 AM)

its frustrating

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:10:50 AM)

:)

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:10:59 AM)

it's just as frustrating for me, i promise you

Taylor; says: (2:11:09 AM)

at least you know what you're thinking

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:11:50 AM)

haha, this is true

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:04 AM)

but i don't think you'd like to know what i'm thinking

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:08 AM)

or, well, no, you might

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:12:09 AM)

but

Taylor; says: (2:12:22 AM)

i wouldn't know, would i?

Taylor; says: (2:12:39 AM)

the only comfort i have is knowing that you dont know what im thinking either

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:13:07 AM)

:) haha, you don't give yourself enough credit sometimes

i always feel shitty and vulnerable after i have one of those emotional outbursts


definitely an unfair imbalance
i ignore it

...although there are other reasons which justify my strong dislike for you.

seriously, every time i finish talking with kelsey, i realize how much of a sad waste of energy, emotion, and time natalie is. she's so fucking immature and unaware. nothing she says means anything.

our whole relationship, post-lapsarian, can be summed up in sad songs and tumblr pictures. is that pathetic or is that pathetic?
i'm sick of the cliches. i love gaining new perspective from kelsey. she's so off doing her own thing that talking to her is like a breath of fresh air.


also, why do i feel the need to make natalie aware of the fact that i'm writing or that i'm sad or that i'm thinking about her? she doesn't deserve that.
i know i had feelings for her, and i know she was my First, for many experiences, but that's all that is. that's it.
i have to stop giving a shit. she's not worth what i'm going through. she doesn't deserve the ability to inflict such pain upon a person. not in the slightest.

k: i basically got home at like 4 and like wrote until i crashed at like 7
s: aw!
k: .. just in time to get up for work at 930 hahah
k: i know lol
k: it was nice self-reflection time:)
s: oh well THAT'S always good
s: well, KIND OF
s: sometimes i'm seriously so immersed in self-reflection that i start getting overwhelmed with wonder at how fucking cool my mind is
s: i relish those moments haha
k: yes! do you really though? because i can like totally relate to that lol
k: which sort of makes me feel conceited in a way to be honest
s: me too
s: but it's all good
s: those are the most prime moments
s: when you feel like
s: you don't need anyone else because you're enough for yourself
s: like
k: because a part of me wonders if everyone can have such a like.. immersed feeling in themselves you know?
k: yes go on:) lol
s: i get to the point where im like
s: you know what? i could totally be okay living in an isolation room... i'd never get bored
s: but then i think... yeah... i'd kill myself
s: because i get more into my thoughts when i'm on the move
s: like i've found lately that i really get my head working when i'm travelling places.
s: like walking down the street or sitting on a train... best reflection times for me
s: i mean, to be honest, for the most part i don't like what goes on in my head
s: but then there are those moments. like the ones where im.. yknow.. like, surprised. and amazed. as mentioned above.
s: i guess for you it's more frequent though. i feel like it is.
k: i get what you mean about the whole thinking more when you're using your brain for other things. i feel like the less focused your thoughts are in a sense, the more you're able to let them get to those places that result in those feelings you know?
s: yes!
k: which explains my complete inability to do anything practical like say i dont know, light a cigarette the first try hahah
k: but yes, i guess i do experience those moments more often
k: but only for that reason
s: ha
s: ha
k: that im always a lot more lost in unfocused thought than most lol

---

k: but why dont you like what goes on in your head most of the time?
s: i don't know... i guess for what you said much earlier
s: the unpredictable moods
s: as much as i'm all flow-y and water-y and all that (pisces, you know how it is), i do strive to find some sense of order in things
s: and it's frustrating when i can't
k: hahaha yay astrology
k: and i get it because im sort of the same in a sense
k: our problem is the capricorn
k: it craves that self-created slash imposed order and structure too much
s: self-created order.. that's rather accurate isn't it..
k: which can sometimes be used to our advantage though, just saying
k: mhm:)
s: HMMMM
k: astrology yo, we'll get you into it lol
s: oh no
s: you sound like a cult
k: oh but yes lol
k: hahahahahha
k: one day *far off look in eye
s: and i don't even know if you're using "we" as in there actually IS a cult or if you're just referring to yourself, shae-style
s: ...:)...
k: hahahaha
k: no man you and i. the two-- oh wait. oh yes. i dont know lol. that just kind of slipped in there haha
k: amused
s: HAQ
s: ,..
s: no q
k: but anyhow yeah, shae on e yo. (aww but i like the q lol)
k: verrrry amusing haha
k: she basically spent the entire night like stroking phil's nose
s: i'm having a very hard time brushing my teeth right now i hope you know
k: lol!
k: dude
k: you and your bathroom
k: ahahah

----

s: you know what i just realized about us?
s: and im going to share because i like giving you livefeed sarah thoughts
k: yay:)
s: which is rare for people. live feed anyway. so dont take it for granted haha
k: and dude, never. priveleged yo haha
s: i think why we get on so well, in terms of our half real life/half online friendship
s: is because i acknowledge that we're different on the page and in the flesh... meanwhile, in the past, i've had all these insecurities about seeming different to people from one medium of communication to the next
s: but with you, it's like i'm at peace with the difference in behaviours, depending on how we're communicating
s: because i like the dynamics in both cases
s: (that's the condensed version i guess... *sigh)
k: yeah i like that (hahaha aw im amused but no that really sucks lol) though, i like how its two different dynamics. allows for multiple strands to the friendship in a sense.. which im too exhausted to explain properly but the sentiment is there lol
k: *my cop out lol
k: but yeah, im probably going to have to leave you soon and crash *pillow still so inviting lol
s: no its ok, i just wanted to get out MY current thoughts. you dont necessarily have to have some super awesome comeback statement of agreement. just agree:) hahah
k: yay i like it when you go all stream of consciousness too lol i hate it when people hold back *irritation lol

"What did she tell you?" she says, peering into my room from the threshold of the doorway.

I turn to face her from the wooden kitchen chair that's displaced itself in my room. I've been meaning to relocate it for days now.

"She said chaos was good. It makes life exciting. She says my world has been turned upside with endless realizations that have overwhelmed me over the last 4 months and I have to learn to deal with it. She says I might need to do some self-exploring. I told her that's all I've been doing lately..."

"Hmm. Did she say your chaos was okay? Like, your level of it? I mean, are you okay?"

Concerned.

"I'm fine, mom. I'm not in need of psychiatric help or anything. I just need space. I guess I'm sort of indulging in the chaos..."

I look off, brow creased, unsure.

"Ah. But you do need something to ground you every now and then. "

To this, I have a response. Relieved,

"I have that. I have two people, on two separate ends of the spectrum who I've found myself leaning on entirely. I think I'd fall apart if it weren't for their constant company and the ways in which they assuage my agony. I'm a mess, I realize that. I've got my footing though; rooted in these two people in my life... and I'll be fine eventually. Seriously. I'm in a good place and in a bad place all at once."

A hopeless sigh and pleading eyes,

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Sar."

"It's fine, it's fine. We're okay. I just need to do this on my own for a while."

"This? You mean life?"

Matter-of-factly,

"Yeah."

"You've always been very independent. I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I'm sorry," I say, rather detached.

"Are these people part of the chaos, or are they your escape from it?"

"I guess I'd have to say.... both," and then I quickly add, "They're mainly my escape though. Definitely."

"Oh."

She's confused, but desperate to understand.

"I know, it's crazy but whatever. I'm sorry." I say

"But then what's caused this? I mean, who has made you like this?"

I'm taken off guard.

"What makes you think it's one person? It's a combination of things that have happened. Inside my head and around me. Sure there was a catalyst. Of course there was. It was a domino effect. But I understand that, right? I mean, understanding is good. It's not like I'm completely oblivious as to how I'm feeling or what has happened to me. Not entirely anyway. I'm experiencing a metamorphosis perhaps..."

I follow that up with a thoughtful chuckle.

"A metamorphosis?"

"Mhm, like Kafka's Gregor Samsa. Or Adam in The Shape of Things, or Dorian in The Picture of Dorian Gray."

"Haha, Sarah..."

She looks at me, amused but imploring.

"I know, I know. The references. Sorry. I've just found myself comparing everything to my classes," I say, and then add, "And I also know; I'm in college. Everyone changes in college, I get it. Don't laugh. Obviously I'm not the only one going through things. This is me though. I'm concerned with myself -- this is my transformation."

"I know," she grins, " and I want you to grow and explore and everything..."

"Right. Well, yeah. So that's my justification for you. I'm going to try and accept everything as it comes ...or as it goes..."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

Uncomfortable silence.

"Okay. Well, you know I'm here if you need me"

"Yeah... thank you."

"Now come empty the dishwasher."

"Alright."

Exit.

okay, i think it's reasonable that i've just had a mental breakdown after holding back on every possible emotion for so long

okay

we're okay

it's just that i've been focusing on being happy so much that i forgot how oddly appealing it was to be angry and bitter and sad and passionate

i know you can be passionately happy, but i'm just not

not today, not lately

[to be finished recounting at a later date - too lazy]

wow. katie's party was a ride.

we sat around the glass square table, all of us in our scanty lingerie
little paper ketchup holders brimming with dark, red, vodka jello shots, cups of mixed drinks, and a giant bong occupied the central space
the pipe was passed around the table, the base of the hookah slowly rotating with each hand-off
music played in the background as


"I want to be inside your head..."
"But you are..."
"You know what I mean."


"Stop giving me those looks!"
"You started it"
"Ah, so I take the blame?"
"Yes, you do."
"Alright, I take credit for the looks then. I can deal with that."
"Credit? Only a few seconds ago you were taking the blame!"
"Yeah but..."
"Yes. Well, either way, you're right. It's credit."
"It's credit."

a midnight phonecall

pallay is perceptive as always.
he just said that since she was my first ever reciprocated crush (and that's one out of two instances), this was why i put so much emphasis and meaning upon it. the first "real" kiss, the first surprise in finding out that someone could possibly be interested in me, the first realization that i had the power to hurt, and then by extension, the vulnerability to be hurt back, but worse...

ah welz
(im too tired to carry this thought any further, but i just needed to document the feeling. ha. you know.

anyways, goodnight. )

lackluster

you know why i think i have this necessity to write all the time?
i think it's because i need to feel like events in my life actually happened,
and that emotions i've experienced were actually, at some point or another, in fact, experienced.
it's a mental problem i have. i think it's the fact that i'm a nostalgist, and that my memory is bad. so, thus, i need to record what i feel, and what i've experienced, so that i may look back upon it and experience things once again.

feelings are so ephemeral that sometimes it's questionable as to whether or not they were actually ever there. and they were. and they are. and they're changing, all the time,
but
their fleetingness does not dismiss their existence.
and it is this which i must remind myself of.


so here goes:
i'm scared.
of what, i do not know...
i'm scared she hates me / is bitter towards me / is disgusted or turned off by me
but more than all of that, i'm scared she's indifferent and that she's completely moved on.
it's athazagoraphobia, i guess...
hmm
how tragic this all is.


at least i have taylor, who i think is incredible.

"you keep giving me these looks!"
"haha, yes, i know. i know i do. and sometimes they mean something and sometimes they don't, so you're just going to have to deal! :)"
"haha, alright! well, you'll keep me guessing then, i suppose."

she was very touchy with me tonight. i suppose so was i. in an intimate way. not necessarily sexual, not necessarily friendly. on the straits, really.

man, i like this. a lot.

i wonder how tomorrow night will be. or, well it's after midnight now, so how tonight will be. fuck. fuck
fuck.
fuck.
i'm worried.

oh well. in the words of kelsey, i will just roll with it.

the end. and i will keep writing, i promise.

fact of the matter is, i fucking hate andy warhol. i think he was a pretentious, fake little fuck. i hate his philosophies, i hate his face, i hate his art, but i specifically hate how you like him so much. he was nauseatingly cliche, and you are most certainly not, though you pathetically strive to be.

i don't know.