lackluster

you know why i think i have this necessity to write all the time?
i think it's because i need to feel like events in my life actually happened,
and that emotions i've experienced were actually, at some point or another, in fact, experienced.
it's a mental problem i have. i think it's the fact that i'm a nostalgist, and that my memory is bad. so, thus, i need to record what i feel, and what i've experienced, so that i may look back upon it and experience things once again.

feelings are so ephemeral that sometimes it's questionable as to whether or not they were actually ever there. and they were. and they are. and they're changing, all the time,
but
their fleetingness does not dismiss their existence.
and it is this which i must remind myself of.


so here goes:
i'm scared.
of what, i do not know...
i'm scared she hates me / is bitter towards me / is disgusted or turned off by me
but more than all of that, i'm scared she's indifferent and that she's completely moved on.
it's athazagoraphobia, i guess...
hmm
how tragic this all is.


at least i have taylor, who i think is incredible.

"you keep giving me these looks!"
"haha, yes, i know. i know i do. and sometimes they mean something and sometimes they don't, so you're just going to have to deal! :)"
"haha, alright! well, you'll keep me guessing then, i suppose."

she was very touchy with me tonight. i suppose so was i. in an intimate way. not necessarily sexual, not necessarily friendly. on the straits, really.

man, i like this. a lot.

i wonder how tomorrow night will be. or, well it's after midnight now, so how tonight will be. fuck. fuck
fuck.
fuck.
i'm worried.

oh well. in the words of kelsey, i will just roll with it.

the end. and i will keep writing, i promise.