i don't know what happened to my view of you. something happened, i'm not sure what. i mean, i suppose perceptions change and transform over time, but i miss how you used to look like in my eyes. i had this, not blind, but perhaps doubtless and unwavering trust and confidence in you. these days i've still got this often inexplicable, but sometimes completely rational admiration for you, but it's a lot more... edited and morphed. i've allowed my insecurities to take hold of one of the few things i had going for me. now i'm scared to like you the way i used to and confide in you as wholly. i feel like in some way you're judging me. not in the conventional way that i assume everyone else does, but just in a kelsey way. critical but sort of indifferent about it. the indifference scares me. i don't know. i just. don't. know. anymore.

i hate kelsey for this. she knows i overthink. she gives me looks today in class, she drunk texts me song lyrics ("I dunno if i can stand another hdnd upon you all iknow is that i should hahaha oh dear fucking god gahgkagmpan"), she uses flirtatious lines like "oh you". what the fuck am i to do with this? it's not hard to get to me, she knows that, so what's she trying to do? this isn't fair.
:(
and now i'm eagerly awaiting the call she just promised me. why did she even do that? i only called her as a response to her text. she doesn't have to call me back ffs. now i'm just a loser waiting for a phonecall that may never come. this always happens.

might update you later, might not, we'll see. xx

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:14 AM)

and for her, she's just so hilariously enamoured by me... that it's just... haha i dont know, but she takes me so seriously

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:20 AM)

it's deeply flattering

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:34 AM)

like she'll say things like "i've never met anyone like you before... "

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:40 AM)

and she'll elaborate in some weird way

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:59 AM)

and obviously, me being me, i won't understand the fascination

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:08 AM)

which perhaps might be how you feel about ME

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:12 AM)

...hahaha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:47 AM)

but you and i are very different, PLUS you're not quite as modest as i am so its very likely you think of my attitude towards you differently than i would with taylor

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:53 AM)

not that theyre entirely the same but theyre comparable

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:57 AM)

(am i making sense?)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:13 AM)

lol oh please, no insecurities haha:p and YES i follow, dont worry:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:20 AM)

and now way man im totally modest

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:24 AM)

you're just insecure:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:29 AM)

needlessly so, if i may add

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:43 AM)

that's... nice of you.. haha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:47 AM)

i know though, you're right

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:59 AM)

lol but you dont believe it? ah okay, you see thats what i like to hear lol

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:49 AM)

well i mean i UNDERSTAND i might be a little insecure...

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:55 AM)

i just think it can't be helped:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:49:22 AM)

oh you lol :)

k: i basically got home at like 4 and like wrote until i crashed at like 7
s: aw!
k: .. just in time to get up for work at 930 hahah
k: i know lol
k: it was nice self-reflection time:)
s: oh well THAT'S always good
s: well, KIND OF
s: sometimes i'm seriously so immersed in self-reflection that i start getting overwhelmed with wonder at how fucking cool my mind is
s: i relish those moments haha
k: yes! do you really though? because i can like totally relate to that lol
k: which sort of makes me feel conceited in a way to be honest
s: me too
s: but it's all good
s: those are the most prime moments
s: when you feel like
s: you don't need anyone else because you're enough for yourself
s: like
k: because a part of me wonders if everyone can have such a like.. immersed feeling in themselves you know?
k: yes go on:) lol
s: i get to the point where im like
s: you know what? i could totally be okay living in an isolation room... i'd never get bored
s: but then i think... yeah... i'd kill myself
s: because i get more into my thoughts when i'm on the move
s: like i've found lately that i really get my head working when i'm travelling places.
s: like walking down the street or sitting on a train... best reflection times for me
s: i mean, to be honest, for the most part i don't like what goes on in my head
s: but then there are those moments. like the ones where im.. yknow.. like, surprised. and amazed. as mentioned above.
s: i guess for you it's more frequent though. i feel like it is.
k: i get what you mean about the whole thinking more when you're using your brain for other things. i feel like the less focused your thoughts are in a sense, the more you're able to let them get to those places that result in those feelings you know?
s: yes!
k: which explains my complete inability to do anything practical like say i dont know, light a cigarette the first try hahah
k: but yes, i guess i do experience those moments more often
k: but only for that reason
s: ha
s: ha
k: that im always a lot more lost in unfocused thought than most lol

---

k: but why dont you like what goes on in your head most of the time?
s: i don't know... i guess for what you said much earlier
s: the unpredictable moods
s: as much as i'm all flow-y and water-y and all that (pisces, you know how it is), i do strive to find some sense of order in things
s: and it's frustrating when i can't
k: hahaha yay astrology
k: and i get it because im sort of the same in a sense
k: our problem is the capricorn
k: it craves that self-created slash imposed order and structure too much
s: self-created order.. that's rather accurate isn't it..
k: which can sometimes be used to our advantage though, just saying
k: mhm:)
s: HMMMM
k: astrology yo, we'll get you into it lol
s: oh no
s: you sound like a cult
k: oh but yes lol
k: hahahahahha
k: one day *far off look in eye
s: and i don't even know if you're using "we" as in there actually IS a cult or if you're just referring to yourself, shae-style
s: ...:)...
k: hahahaha
k: no man you and i. the two-- oh wait. oh yes. i dont know lol. that just kind of slipped in there haha
k: amused
s: HAQ
s: ,..
s: no q
k: but anyhow yeah, shae on e yo. (aww but i like the q lol)
k: verrrry amusing haha
k: she basically spent the entire night like stroking phil's nose
s: i'm having a very hard time brushing my teeth right now i hope you know
k: lol!
k: dude
k: you and your bathroom
k: ahahah

----

s: you know what i just realized about us?
s: and im going to share because i like giving you livefeed sarah thoughts
k: yay:)
s: which is rare for people. live feed anyway. so dont take it for granted haha
k: and dude, never. priveleged yo haha
s: i think why we get on so well, in terms of our half real life/half online friendship
s: is because i acknowledge that we're different on the page and in the flesh... meanwhile, in the past, i've had all these insecurities about seeming different to people from one medium of communication to the next
s: but with you, it's like i'm at peace with the difference in behaviours, depending on how we're communicating
s: because i like the dynamics in both cases
s: (that's the condensed version i guess... *sigh)
k: yeah i like that (hahaha aw im amused but no that really sucks lol) though, i like how its two different dynamics. allows for multiple strands to the friendship in a sense.. which im too exhausted to explain properly but the sentiment is there lol
k: *my cop out lol
k: but yeah, im probably going to have to leave you soon and crash *pillow still so inviting lol
s: no its ok, i just wanted to get out MY current thoughts. you dont necessarily have to have some super awesome comeback statement of agreement. just agree:) hahah
k: yay i like it when you go all stream of consciousness too lol i hate it when people hold back *irritation lol

black & gold

god... i really don't know how she could dispense with all of her pride last night... it's disturbing. i tried to be the voice of reason yesterday afternoon, but i think she was too influenced by ariel (her "devil ego", as i like to call her). she's nice and all but a really terrible influence. ah. i still need to try and wrap my head around that. i could never do it, personally. i don't think i'm that desperate for sexual pleasure that i would completely disregard how badly i've been treated by a person. i have too much pride. i'd just fuck em and find someone better. and i don't mean that literally... or maybe i do. really, at the rate she's corrupting me with her twisted philosophies, who knows...
i got a text saying they dealt with emotions and left the fucking aside. i'm proud, in this case. angel ego wins.


ironic, in my case?