"What did she tell you?" she says, peering into my room from the threshold of the doorway.

I turn to face her from the wooden kitchen chair that's displaced itself in my room. I've been meaning to relocate it for days now.

"She said chaos was good. It makes life exciting. She says my world has been turned upside with endless realizations that have overwhelmed me over the last 4 months and I have to learn to deal with it. She says I might need to do some self-exploring. I told her that's all I've been doing lately..."

"Hmm. Did she say your chaos was okay? Like, your level of it? I mean, are you okay?"

Concerned.

"I'm fine, mom. I'm not in need of psychiatric help or anything. I just need space. I guess I'm sort of indulging in the chaos..."

I look off, brow creased, unsure.

"Ah. But you do need something to ground you every now and then. "

To this, I have a response. Relieved,

"I have that. I have two people, on two separate ends of the spectrum who I've found myself leaning on entirely. I think I'd fall apart if it weren't for their constant company and the ways in which they assuage my agony. I'm a mess, I realize that. I've got my footing though; rooted in these two people in my life... and I'll be fine eventually. Seriously. I'm in a good place and in a bad place all at once."

A hopeless sigh and pleading eyes,

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Sar."

"It's fine, it's fine. We're okay. I just need to do this on my own for a while."

"This? You mean life?"

Matter-of-factly,

"Yeah."

"You've always been very independent. I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I'm sorry," I say, rather detached.

"Are these people part of the chaos, or are they your escape from it?"

"I guess I'd have to say.... both," and then I quickly add, "They're mainly my escape though. Definitely."

"Oh."

She's confused, but desperate to understand.

"I know, it's crazy but whatever. I'm sorry." I say

"But then what's caused this? I mean, who has made you like this?"

I'm taken off guard.

"What makes you think it's one person? It's a combination of things that have happened. Inside my head and around me. Sure there was a catalyst. Of course there was. It was a domino effect. But I understand that, right? I mean, understanding is good. It's not like I'm completely oblivious as to how I'm feeling or what has happened to me. Not entirely anyway. I'm experiencing a metamorphosis perhaps..."

I follow that up with a thoughtful chuckle.

"A metamorphosis?"

"Mhm, like Kafka's Gregor Samsa. Or Adam in The Shape of Things, or Dorian in The Picture of Dorian Gray."

"Haha, Sarah..."

She looks at me, amused but imploring.

"I know, I know. The references. Sorry. I've just found myself comparing everything to my classes," I say, and then add, "And I also know; I'm in college. Everyone changes in college, I get it. Don't laugh. Obviously I'm not the only one going through things. This is me though. I'm concerned with myself -- this is my transformation."

"I know," she grins, " and I want you to grow and explore and everything..."

"Right. Well, yeah. So that's my justification for you. I'm going to try and accept everything as it comes ...or as it goes..."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

Uncomfortable silence.

"Okay. Well, you know I'm here if you need me"

"Yeah... thank you."

"Now come empty the dishwasher."

"Alright."

Exit.