someday my pain will mark you, harness your blame and walk through

kelsey is

fucked.

up.

i guess i didn't realize until now.

but then again, everyone is in some way, right?

anyways, maybe it's just because i've been exhibiting such feelings of idolatry towards her ever since we met and i've thus allowed myself to see past the messy stuff... but regardless, i'm glad i'm having this revelation so early on.

the one rule i'm currently trying to abide by is "never idealize the beloved". she's not my beloved or anything, but the main point here is to not idealize.

it's something i do constantly with people who fascinate me. i put them on a pedestal so high that, in fact, it would be impossible for them to ever actually reach the thing let alone sit atop of it.

so, idealizations. they must cease.
..but then if i'm going to abide by the astrological doctrine for the next few months, as a trial run, then i'm going to have to accept that it's something i, a pisces, would do! hm!

via:

"Though not all Pisceans occupy their time with such lofty aspirations as attaining their rightful place in the universe, the notion of perfection is a strong factor in their personality. They find it difficult to deal with people and situations that do not live up to their idealized images. It isn't that they can't see things clearly, they just don't want to accept things as they really are."

am i okay with this? i don't know. i'm too strong-willed. i feel like i should abandon that part of me if i plan to avoid disappointment. i'm so sick of being disappointed in everyone. i really do have the best intentions when i expect great things from people, honestly. it just means i hold people in high esteem, right? and that's always nice, right?
yes. but then that's the root of the problem as well...

k: i mean i just dont see the problems that arise as a result of it
k: like sure every now and then the illusion wavers and you crash
k: but when you're high, you're higher than most you know?
me: disappointment is the problem. crushing disappointment.
k: and soaring hope
me: which always comes to an abrupt end when i'm exposed to reality, no?
me: yes.
k: yes
k: and then you eventually accept and go back
k: to another take on reality
me: it's an unbearable cycle though, you know?
k: maybe
k: i dont know
k: i prefer it
k: the extremes provide contrast
me: of course
k: lol you dont have to agree with me

whatever, i'll figure this out. let the chips fall where they may. all that.