hiatus

whoa.

i just called christina and spoke to her from vendome to beaconsfield, and then for an additional hour out in my driveway. my hands are numb, my nose is running, my eyes are cried dry.

i feel so bad for making her listen to me for over an hour, but it was such a good release. i guess we came to some conclusions. like how there's really nothing left to say about natalie. it's tragic, but that's just it. there's nothing left to say.
we talked about my seeing a guidance counselor, how i don't speak to my mom, how fucked up i am, how my obsessive thoughts about natalie, or even just the concept of natalie in my life, have consumed me and ripped me up into shreds.
we just - or i just - talked a lot.

sarah says: (10:48:43 PM)
i really think i scared christina though...
sarah says: (10:48:46 PM)
i scared myself
sarah says: (10:48:50 PM)
which is why i started to cry
sarah says: (10:49:10 PM)
i vocalized thoughts i didn't even know i was having




but really, i'm just lucky. that's what it comes down to. i will be selfish; self-loathing and self-pitying; but i will always come up for air every now and again and realize how grateful i really am for everything in my life. everything. the bad, sometimes, but most certainly the good.
definitely the good.
fuck yes to the good.

damn, i'm just so fucking lucky i could cry!



god, things are just so messed up with me. i wish i could tell you about my day but i'm just too all-over-the-place. i don't know. i'm just tired. my memory's gone to shit. my heart and my brain are on the fritz. yes, "on the fritz". i'm just everywhere and nowhere all at once.



but here's one tangible thing i can offer you tonight:
taylor.
fucking... just- taylor. i can't even properly express how i feel. she's amazing. she makes me feel so good. fuck.



sarah says: (10:53:11 PM)
i could get all cute and honest on you right now if you'd like
sarah says: (10:53:15 PM)
make your night
sarah says: (10:53:19 PM)
and make a fool out of myself
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:32 PM)
sarah, the other day when we left each other at the corner is proof that i make a fool out of myself all the time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:38 PM)
"point being...i like to talk"
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:54:42 PM)
god......
sarah says: (10:54:53 PM)
no, i loved that
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:01 PM)
yeah, im sure you did
sarah says: (10:55:03 PM)
:)
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:55:04 PM)
:P
sarah says: (10:55:23 PM)
i don't know, taylor. i just love you. it's so good to be around you.
sarah says: (10:55:50 PM)
your awkwardness makes me happy. and don't get self-conscious about that, and don't change. i just mean that the way you are... it just makes me happy. i always leave you feeling better.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:27 PM)
i always leave you feeling better too
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:56:59 PM)
and at the same time
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:15 PM)
i think you're a lot smarter than i am
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:35 PM)
for example
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:48 PM)
well, no
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:57:58 PM)
i just want to get inside your head, is really what im trying to say
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:20 PM)
i imagine it would be magical in there
sarah says: (10:58:31 PM)
haha, oh taylor
sarah says: (10:58:40 PM)
i guarantee you it's not magical
sarah says: (10:58:46 PM)
but i'm intrigued by that statement
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (10:58:58 PM)
see, i think you're intriguing
sarah says: (10:59:05 PM)
and i you

----

sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:30 PM)
no, but seriously taylor, did you not see me today?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:09:33 PM)
indeed
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:09:34 PM)
i think i looked how i felt
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:23 PM)
i think you looked gine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:25 PM)
*fine
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:40 PM)
also, i try not to place to much importance on my friends appearance
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:10:50 PM)
mostly because i often appear not good
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:10:56 PM)
oh shut.up.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:30 PM)
what? too cheesy?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:11:56 PM)
i'm good at that, too
sarah woah woah woah. says: (11:12:29 PM)
cheesy? no, i just happen to highly disagree with that statement. also, i did not look fine. i took a shower at 3:30 and my hair was still wet when i woke up. my bangs were a violation upon humankind. which is why they were pushed back. haphazardly.
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:12 PM)
this is going to sound werid
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:14 PM)
*weird
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:23 PM)
but one of my favorite parts of your face is your cheeks
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:14:28 PM)
and those can never look bad

---

Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:02 PM)
you know what's funny?
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:11 PM)
i feel like i know you really well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:47:25 PM)
i DO know you quite well
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:15 PM)
but i don't know your favorite colour, or what your cat's name is, or your favorite book, or food.....
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:31 PM)
i dunno
Taylor; ho ho hopefully says: (11:48:34 PM)
strikes me



ok i've got no more to offer you that i can think of, blog.
maybe later on
i started my break from tumblr today.
woohoo. wish me luck.