shaking from the pain that's in my head, just want to crawl into my bed

Wow, today was a ride.

I love exploring all the realms of emotion. It's nice to let it out and change up your mindset a little bit. I always get really deep into it when I'm in English class because I somehow tend to relate myself to the most fucked up character in the text. That's okay, it keeps things interesting. And frustrating.

But really, as far as English class goes, it couldn't have been better. I thought it would be shit because I was having a rough afternoon I guess, but Kelsey was there, and I've never welcomed the smell of cigarette smoke off someone's clothes so much.

I spoke about it with Nicole on the train later, and she thinks our relationship is weird. She thinks it will die because I look up to her too much and almost too willingly allow myself to be the inferior one. She thinks I spend too much time trying to analyze her. She doesn't understand. I analyze everyone. I just don't use Astrology to do it. I don't like guidelines. I think everyone is too special and unique to have a rubric to follow.

I asked Kelsey if I could borrow her notebook, because I wanted to read over our conversation again. She laughed and handed it over. We've got things about feelings mixed in with analytical points about Gregor Samsa. Ha. His name means 'I am alone' in Czech. It's very interesting. But anyways, I just opened the notebook now, and on the inside flap of the coverpage, it says:

L. Bellon:
definitely Earth
probably Capricorn or Virgo

I chuckled. I think I'm going to look through this notebook like a creeper tonight. After I read The Greeks and Modern Muslim Intellectuals, that is.

Life is unfortunate sometimes, but I guess this is what I deserve for neglecting work, sleep and food all week long. I'm a mess.

I called Pallay after school to ask if he'd be on the train. He said he'd finished school already, but offered to give me a lift home when I reached my station. It was very thoughtful of him and I took him up on it. I think he really wanted to talk.

Anyways, I know I won't get any sleep tonight. I want to, I really do, but they're all right about me. Sleep is my last priority. I value time too much to waste it being unconscious. I need to be alive and actively thinking at all times. I'm assuming it's part of the masochistic part of me, because, really, I despise my thoughts.

I'm so irrational that sometimes I think I shouldn't even be here.

I hope I did right by everyone today.

I'm still so sad about Natalie. I'm scared she's over it.