highly annoyed

i don't let go of things easily. not when they matter so much to me.

i was asleep all of english class, but if i've learned something over the last few weeks, it's that the ephemeral is beautiful and there are terrible dangers in idealizing a beloved.

the ephemeral must only appreciated after the fact or something, because right now, i only resent the brevity of our predicament. yes, that's right. i miss the dysfunction

i idealized you, and i idealize kelsey. none of this will end well. nothing ever does.

i wished for it, you know. i wished for it and i got it. 11:11 every night. i always caught the clock. konstantine. i asked for one moment with you, one that i'd remember as being really good. i told it that's all that i wanted. now what the fuck was i thinking? i should've begged for a shell, a coil of barbed wire, anything, with which to encase my heart. i should've asked for anything but a good moment with you.

i know it was fleeting. i know it was fucked up. there's no definition for what we were, for what we've ever been. but the problem is you're in my head now more than ever and it's a lot to do with lust, sure, but that's because i feel like i have unfinished business with you. isn't it only right that i'm hurting? isn't it only right that i care? i want to hold your hand. i want to feel my heart skip when you squeeze tight, when you stroke my fingers with yours. i want to kiss you on the mouth, on the neck, on the chest, . i want to fuck you. i want to rub my lips along your scars. i want your damaged body, i want every little piece of you. i want to be selfish, ceaselessly.


& i'm always going to blame myself, even when logic says you're the one at fault.
i feel like you don't care, which makes how i feel seem wrong. but fuck that, i'll feel what i want to feel.

i wanted to be henry. i wanted you to be the dorian to my henry.
i've come out as poor basil. it's tragic as fuck. absolutely fucking tragic.